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Certain individual use networking apps to be in regular touch with other people and news occasions. Do you believe benefits of this technology far greater than the drawbacks? v.1

Certain individual use networking apps to be in regular touch with other people and news occasions. Do you believe benefits of this technology far greater than the drawbacks? v. 1
Certain individual use networking applications to be in regular touch with other people and news occasions. In my opinion, I think that social media can bring about more benefits for people compared to any Disadvantages it might bring. Despite the drawback below I believe there are more benefits to the people from networking application. Firstly, People can be regular in contact by speaking online or having a video call. For instance, WhatsApp application is used to chat instantly and also it has video calling feather, where both the people can simultaneously speak and see each other will communicating. Secondly, Using of application on the internet is very cheap in comparison to GSM technology. People only need an Internet connection to use multiple social application. For example, I friend pays only USD 5 as monthly charges in Canada and he use WhatsApp calling app, IMO app, Facebook and Instagram to speak, chat, video call to be online with me and his family. Admittedly, there are some problems with social media application, one problem with this is the privacy. For instance, a hacker can access private information available to this social application and use to access their bank account to steal the money. Another problem is that information available on online platform is manipulating or wrong information which will lead to wrong consequences. For instance, a recent study concluded that data available on the internet are completely false and unauthentic. In conclusion, being in touch and inexpensive are the advantages. While privacy and unauthentic data are the drawback. Thus I believe the benefits of networking application outweigh the deficits.
Certain individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applications
to be in regular touch with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and news occasions. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media can bring about more benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
compared to any Disadvantages it might bring.

Despite the drawback below I believe there are more benefits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
application
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can be regular in contact by speaking online or having a video call.
For instance
, WhatsApp
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
application
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to chat
instantly
and
also
it has video calling feather, where both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
simultaneously
speak and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
each other will communicating.
Secondly
, Using of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
application
on the internet is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
in comparison
to GSM technology.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need an Internet connection to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
application
.
For example
, I friend pays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
USD 5 as monthly charges in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Canada and
he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "uses", "used".
use
WhatsApp calling app, IMO app, Facebook and Instagram to speak, chat, video call to be online with me and his family.

Admittedly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
application
, one problem with this is the privacy.
For instance
, a hacker can access private information available to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
application
and
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
access their bank account to steal the money. Another problem is that information available on online platform is manipulating or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
information which will lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
consequences.
For instance
, a recent study concluded that data available on the internet are completely false and unauthentic.

In conclusion
, being in touch and inexpensive are the advantages. While privacy and unauthentic data are the drawback.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
I believe the benefits of networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
application
outweigh the deficits.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Certain individual use networking apps to be in regular touch with other people and news occasions. Do you believe benefits of this technology far greater than the drawbacks? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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