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Caring for children is probably the most important job in any society. Because of that all mothers and fathers should be required to take the childcare training courses. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Caring for children is probably the most important job in any society. Because of that all mothers and fathers should be required to take the childcare training courses. v. 1
At the beginning of 21st century, a large number of people expressed their deeply growing concern about the development of future generation. It is an accepted fact that taking care of kids is one of the most vital responsibilities in community. Therefore, the parents should attend the childcare training courses. Personally, I whole-heartedly agree with this opinion. Some points will be covered in the following paragraphs. To begin with, there are some reasons why caring for children is one of the most important priorities. First of all, the parents should pay more attention on their offsprings in terms of both mental and physical health. Apart from school, if they educate their kids about how to establish a healthy lifestyle and enrich their knowledge, the youngters who are going to inherit the Earth will become good and successful citizens. Secondly, without the focus from the parents, children tend to build up their bad habits and bad behavior at school and in the real life. As a consequence, they will engage in some anti-social activities like smoking, drinking alcohol and so on. Besides, they are likely to have poor performances at school which results in the reduction of their job opportunities in the future. I agree with the idea that the parents should be required to take the childcare training courses. Because, with the development of technology nowadays, the parents tend to ignore their kids, they spend a lot of time to be entertained by their phones. Moreover, childcare training courses will provide them a lot of skills and experience in terms of raising their children in the right way, especially those parents who have the first child. With all things considered, I believe that governments and societies should enhance people’s awareness about this phenomenon. If the parents involve in the childcare training courses, the comprehensive development of future generation will be ensured.
At the beginning of 21st century,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
expressed their
deeply
growing concern about the development of future generation. It is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
fact that taking care of kids is one of the most vital responsibilities in community.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should attend the childcare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
.
Personally
, I whole-
heartedly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
points will
be covered
in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why caring for children is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
priorities.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should pay more attention on their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
in terms of both mental and physical health. Apart from school, if they educate their kids about how to establish a healthy lifestyle and enrich their knowledge, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
youngters
who are going to inherit the Earth will become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and successful citizens.
Secondly
, without the focus from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, children tend to build up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
behavior at school and in the real life. As a consequence, they will engage in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
anti-social activities like smoking, drinking alcohol and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Besides
, they are likely to have poor performances at school which results in the reduction of their job opportunities in the future.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
be required
to take the childcare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, with the development of technology nowadays, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
their kids, they spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time to
be entertained
by their phones.
Moreover
, childcare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
will provide them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and experience in terms of raising their children in the right way,
especially
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who have the
first
child.

With all things considered, I believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and societies should enhance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s awareness about this phenomenon. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
involve in the childcare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
, the comprehensive development of future generation will
be ensured
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay Caring for children is probably the most important job in any society. Because of that all mothers and fathers should be required to take the childcare training courses. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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