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Business organisations should hire employees for their entire lives. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Business organisations should hire employees for their entire lives. v. 1
For economic progress, some people assert that people ought to spend their salaries; however, some would argue that people had better save their money. While expanding money would result in economic robustness, I believe that amassing money for the future would help them get rid of financial worries. On the one hand, spending money can help governments develop their countries. In other words, the main source of income for the State is the amount collected from the public in the form of taxes they have paid while making a purchase. This money, therefore, be utilised to reciprocate in a constructive way - making education more competitive; introducing state-of-the-art health care system- which, consequently, lifts the living standards of citizens. In the West, for instance, people are encouraged to spend their earnings with a view to delivering sophisticated amenities to individuals. However, I think in this way people might become materialistic and squander their hard earned money which, otherwise, would have been saved and used in difficult times. On the other hand, accumulating wealth comes immensely handy in the twilight phase of individuals' life. People's capability to work and manage their overhead expenses deteriorates with the span of time, and they often struggle to meet both ends. Given the unavailability or decreased incomes they have to resort to government's old age schemes to support themselves, which are usually inadequate to provide the lifestyle - they dreamt in the young age. Hence, if they have some savings to financially support their expenses, they would be able to relish the post-retirement period. Recently unveiled report file Life insurance Corporation Limited India, it was revealed that around 75 per cent working professionals are investing in insurance schemes to make their old age less problematic. In conclusion, although spending could usher in development and more facilities, I reiterate that people should save their income in order to protect them from financial crisis in their later life.
For economic progress,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ought to spend their salaries;
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had better save their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. While expanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
would result in economic robustness, I believe that amassing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the future would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of financial worries.

On the one hand, spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
develop their countries.
In other words
, the main source of income for the State is the amount collected from the public in the form of taxes they have paid while making a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
therefore
, be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
to reciprocate
Consider replacing "in a constructive way" with the adverb for "constructive"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a constructive way
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
making education more competitive; introducing state-of-the-art health care system- which,
consequently
, lifts the living standards of citizens. In the West,
for instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are encouraged
to spend their earnings with a view to delivering sophisticated amenities to individuals.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in this way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might become materialistic and squander their
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
hard earned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which,
otherwise
, would have
been saved
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in difficult times.

On the other hand
, accumulating wealth
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
immensely
handy in the twilight phase of individuals' life.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's capability to work and manage their overhead expenses deteriorates with the span of time, and they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
struggle to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
both ends.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
the unavailability or decreased incomes they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
resort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age schemes to support themselves, which are
usually
inadequate to provide the lifestyle
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
they dreamt in the young age.
Hence
, if they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
savings to
financially
support their expenses, they would be able to relish the post-retirement period. Recently unveiled report file Life insurance Corporation Limited India, it
was revealed
that around 75 per cent working professionals are investing in insurance schemes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age less problematic.

In conclusion
, although spending could usher in development and more facilities, I reiterate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should save their income in order to protect them from financial crisis in their later life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Business organisations should hire employees for their entire lives. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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