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TPO 12 - Q 2Some people believe it's essential for a person's education to learn to play a musical instrument. Others don't believe music education is important. Which view do you agree with? Explain why. v.2

TPO 12 - Q 2Some people believe it's essential for a person's education to learn to play a musical instrument. Others don't believe music education is important. Which view do you agree with? Explain why. v. 2
The majority of employees do not exercise either in their workplace or their free time, which causes serious health problem between them. Financial pressure itself is the main cause of inactivity among working people; nonetheless, there are two main ways to encourage them to work out. The first reason in which working people is inactive is financial problems. The prices of goods and services have risen noticeably globally in the last few years while the wages had just a little increase. This inequality between salary and expenditure have forced individuals to work two or three job jobs to make ends meet, leaving no free time for them to exercise. The soaring rate of renting an apartment itself in cities made people live in remote areas, which are extremely far from their workplace, resulting in long hours to be spent commuting between homes and offices. However, there are two ways to stimulate working people to do sport. The most obvious solution is to provide sporting facilities in offices and allowing employees to do physical activities at certain times of the day. By doing this not only the productivity will be increased, but also the most serious common diseases among employees like obesity and diabetes will be prevented. Another step is to supply free bicycles for the workforce in the cities and encourage them to use those bicycles as a means of transport for commuting to their companies. This enables workers to do sporting activities regularly on the one hand, and enjoy the beauty of the city while cycling on the other hand. Although financial pressure has led no free time for workers to do physical activities, they will be motivated to work out by supplying sport amenities in the workplace and using bicycles for commuting. Working people themselves are one of the main sectors of the economy, so special attention toward their health should be made.
The majority of employees do not exercise either in their workplace or their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, which causes serious health problem between them. Financial pressure itself is the main cause of inactivity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
; nonetheless, there are two main ways to encourage them to work out.

The
first
reason in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is inactive is financial problems. The prices of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services have risen
noticeably
globally in the last few years while the wages had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
increase. This inequality between salary and expenditure have forced individuals to work two or three job jobs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
, leaving no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for them to exercise. The soaring rate of renting an apartment itself in cities made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in remote areas, which are
extremely
far from their workplace, resulting in long hours to
be spent
commuting between homes and offices.

However
, there are two ways to stimulate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do sport. The most obvious solution is to provide sporting facilities in offices and allowing employees to do physical activities at certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
of the day. By doing this not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the productivity will
be increased
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the most serious common diseases among employees like obesity and diabetes will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
. Another step is to supply
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
bicycles for the workforce in the cities and encourage them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
those bicycles as a means of transport for commuting to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. This enables workers to do sporting activities
regularly
on the one hand, and enjoy the beauty of the city while cycling
on the other hand
.

Although financial pressure has led no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for workers to do physical activities, they will
be motivated
to work out by supplying sport amenities in the workplace and using bicycles for commuting.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
themselves are one of the main sectors of the economy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
special attention toward their health should
be made
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 12 - Q 2Some people believe it's essential for a person's education to learn to play a musical instrument. Others don't believe music education is important. Which view do you agree with? Explain why. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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