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TPO 54 - Question 4Explain how the example discussed by the professor illustrates a systems thinking approach to problem solving. v.1

TPO 54 - Question 4Explain how the example discussed by the professor illustrates a systems thinking approach to problem solving. v. 1
Some folks believe that punishing children physically is the best way to keep them disciplined, whereas some people argue against this view of smacking. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the view of smacking children in an attempt to inculcate good habits within them. Firstly, giving harsh punishment to the pupil is disastrous for their holistic development. As a result, they come under depression as they start hiding things from their parents and might feel insecure. For example, a study of child psychology department of Oxford university has proved that children develop stress and other mental diseases when tortured physically. Secondly, children who are often penalized physically tend to grow up as an aggressive adult. Consequently, they take out aggression on every little thing and become adamant. Thus, this adversely impacts their behaviour. To illustrate, a study of child development society of Australia has proved that children talk very rudely and roughly with their peers, parents and teachers who receive tough physical punishment during their early ages. Hence, smacking is not the correct approach to rectify the mistakes of the children. Last but not the least, penalizing will also increase the relationship gap between parents and kids. Therefore, children start living away from their parents which results in dissolving their concrete bonding. For instance, a survey conducted by Texas university has proved that 30% of the children had developed distance from their parents to get rid of their scolding and punishments. In conclusion, I assert that giving physical punishment to the kids is completely unacceptable for their overall development as they become depressed and develop aggressive behaviour. Moreover, many relations also get dissolved. Hence, parents should take another smart approach of incorporating good traits among pupils to cultivate a disciplined and well behaved citizen.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
folks believe that punishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
physically
is the best way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them disciplined, whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue against this view of smacking. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the view of smacking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in an attempt to inculcate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits within them.

Firstly
, giving harsh punishment to the pupil is disastrous for their holistic development.
As a result
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
under depression as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
hiding things from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and might feel insecure.
For example
, a study of child psychology department of Oxford university has proved that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and other mental diseases when tortured
physically
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
penalized
physically
tend to grow up as an aggressive adult.
Consequently
, they take out aggression on every
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
thing and become adamant.
Thus
, this
adversely
impacts their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. To illustrate, a study of child development society of Australia has proved that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
talk
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rudely
and roughly with their peers,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers who receive tough physical punishment during their early ages.
Hence
, smacking is not the correct approach to rectify the mistakes of the children.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, penalizing will
also
increase the relationship gap between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and kids.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
living away from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
which results in dissolving their concrete bonding.
For instance
, a survey conducted by Texas university has proved that 30% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
had developed distance from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of their scolding and punishments.

In conclusion
, I assert that giving physical punishment to the kids is completely unacceptable for their
overall
development as they become depressed and develop aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
relations
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
dissolved.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should take another smart approach of incorporating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
traits among pupils to cultivate a disciplined and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well behaved
citizen.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 54 - Question 4Explain how the example discussed by the professor illustrates a systems thinking approach to problem solving. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
295 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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