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Business organisations should hire employees for their entire lives. v.2

Business organisations should hire employees for their entire lives. v. 2
I would have to completely disagree with the statement above. In the following paragraphs, I will outline the basic concepts of my position. First of all, I will least the major disadvantages for employers. In today's market, a company must be very flexible in order to compete with other firms. So, imagine the situation when a company can not fire its employees to stay on the market. It will lead to loose not only profits but the clients, market share and competitive ability also. Now, imagine the situation when a company is growing fast, everything is good and the next few years are going to be excellent. So, employers need more people to extend the production. However, nobody can tell what will happen in a few years. In this case, employers will be afraid to hire new people and extend their business because they will not be able to fire them if something goes wrong. Another important aspect of this is that a company can not have the best employees. It can not hire the better one without dismissing another employee. What kind of disadvantages will have an employee in exchange for this kind of job security? First of all, it will be very difficult to find a job if one is not the best because an employer does not want to spend money on one's education. Besides, an employer will not have a chance to fire one if he does not do his job well. Secondly, employees with this kind of security tend not to perfect themselves because after they are hired they can not lose their job. In conclusion, I would like to add that this statement has some positive aspects too such as constancy, a strong spirit of the company, etc. This system takes place in Japan and some companies succeeded in it. But I think that the reason of it subsists in the Japanese traditions, the particular cultural features, habits and customs. However, in today's market, here in the United States, a company can not afford to hire employees for their entire life.
I would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
completely disagree with the statement above. In the following paragraphs, I will outline the basic concepts of my position.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I will least the major disadvantages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
flexible in order to compete with other firms.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, imagine the situation when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can not fire its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to stay on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
. It will lead to
Did you mean "lose" (= miss, waste, suffer the loss etc.)?
loose
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
profits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the clients,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
share and competitive ability
also
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, imagine the situation when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is growing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
, everything is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and the
next
few years are going to be excellent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
need more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to extend the production.
However
, nobody can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
what will happen in a few years.
In this case
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
will be afraid to hire new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and extend their business
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will not be able to fire them if something goes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of this is that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can not have the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. It can not hire the better one without dismissing another employee.

What kind of disadvantages will have an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
in exchange for this kind of job security?
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to find a job if one is not the best
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
does not want to spend money on one's education.
Besides
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
will not have a chance to fire one if he does not do his job well.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
with this kind of security tend not to perfect themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
after they
are hired
they can not lose their job.

In conclusion
, I would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
that this statement has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects
Did you mean "to such"?
too such
as constancy, a strong spirit of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, etc. This system takes place in Japan and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
succeeded in it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the reason of it subsists in the Japanese traditions, the particular cultural features, habits and customs.
However
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
, here in the United States, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can not afford to hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
for their entire life.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Business organisations should hire employees for their entire lives. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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