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“Both men and women care more about their appearance today than they did in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? ”Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Wri v.1

“Both men and women care more about their appearance today than they did in the past. with this statement? ” Wri v. 1
In the present age, education is playing an increasingly important role in every country. In the meantime, some people believe that it is necessary for students to finish their exercises even in their spare time. Personally, I think their view is overly simplistic and I believe there are other activities except for study which will have a beneficial impact on students. First of all, joining various kinds of extra-curricular activities, such as camping and hiking will relax their bodies and minds since most students are under too much peer pressure currently. Moreover, if children have a chance to travel with their family to different places and interact with the local residents, it will definitely broaden their horizons and enrich their experience. Except that, the students who live in a needy family might need to find a part-time job in order to support themselves, if they only spend hours on finishing tasks given by the school they might not be able to earn enough money for their next semester. Admittedly, students should give a priority to study and it is apparent that finishing their homework will assist them with reviewing the courses and having a better understanding. More specifically, the main purpose of giving practises is to help students digest and have a good command of knowledge. Moreover, it is common for students to waste their life playing computer games and some of them might even be addicted to the mobile phone which will have a baneful impact on them physically and mentally. Nevertheless, I believe that students’ spare time should not be occupied fully with homework, there is plenty of knowledge in this world which they cannot learn from textbooks. Overall, I am convinced that it is worthwhile for students to arrange their leisure time independently while it should also schedule the space to study.
In the present age, education is playing an
increasingly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in every country. In the meantime,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to finish their exercises even in their spare time.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
their view is
overly
simplistic and I believe there are other activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
study which will have a beneficial impact on students.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, joining various kinds of extra-curricular activities, such as camping and hiking will relax their bodies and minds since most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are under too much peer pressure
currently
.
Moreover
, if children have a chance to travel with their family to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places and interact with the local residents, it will definitely broaden their horizons and enrich their experience. Except that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a needy family might need to find a part-time job in order to support themselves, if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
spend hours on finishing tasks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the school they might not be able to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money for their
next
semester.

Admittedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should give a priority to study and it is apparent that finishing their homework will assist them with reviewing the courses and having a better understanding. More
specifically
, the main purpose of giving
Possible spelling mistake. 'practises' is British English.
practises
is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
digest and have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
command of knowledge.
Moreover
, it is common for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to waste their life playing computer games and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them might even
be addicted
to the mobile phone which will have a baneful impact on them
physically
and mentally.
Nevertheless
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
spare time should not
be occupied
fully
with homework, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of knowledge in this world which they cannot learn from textbooks.

Overall
, I
am convinced
that it is worthwhile for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to arrange their leisure time
independently
while it should
also
schedule the space to study.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay “Both men and women care more about their appearance today than they did in the past. with this statement? ” Wri v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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