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Below is a map of the city of Brandfield. City planners have decided to build a new shopping mall for the area, and two sites, S1 and S2 have been proposed. v.1

Below is a map of the city of Brandfield. City planners have decided to build a new shopping mall for the area, and two sites, S1 and S2 have been proposed. v. 1
In these modern days, it is undeniable that crime rates are significantly rising all over the world. Therefore, a lot of people argue that the capital punishment is the best solution to cope up with this problem. On the contrary, I disagree with this route since I believe in giving second chances to mend the mistakes and start all over again. This is due to the fact that once the capital punishment has taken place, it cannot be undone in the cases when someone realizes that it was a false decision. Firstly, these attackers can be provided with a second opportunity in case they are willing to change themselves. The Government can put them into rehabilitation centres to make sure they regain their good human nature. Referring to the statistics, a recent research proved that rehabilitation centres have transformed many lives of criminals for the betterment of them, thereby for society. This ensures that we can obtain a nation free from criminals and crime rates and offering a second life for the offenders to live their lives that can benefit the society. Adding on, the death penalty is an irreversible action as once the person is hanged, the soul of a person cannot come back. Judges are also humans, they can make mistakes, they are no God, which means they don’t know the exact situation of the crime, thus they may give the wrong judgement. For instance, there was a person who was sued for raping 3 women. However, after 8 years, it came out that the accusation was a lie and those 3 women had made up the case. Unfortunately, the decision couldn’t be altered since the so called criminal was already dead. This shows the clear fault of being a human, not knowing the precise situation and giving the death penalty to another human. Lastly, murdering someone, whether a criminal or not, is totally against the laws of nature, we are no one to decide if someone lives or not. In the cases when someone is proven guilty, the authorities can put him/her into prison for ever to teach him a lesson for his wrong doing instead of ending his entire lifespan. Every individual has a family attached to him/her, the jury must also consider their wellbeing at the same time. In conclusion, although applying death punishment decreases crimes in a country, providing another opportunity to these people involved in criminal activities can help them to transform their lives for the betterment of the society.
In these modern days, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates are
significantly
rising all over the world.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that the capital punishment is the best solution to cope up with this problem.
On the contrary
, I disagree with this route since I believe in giving second chances to mend the mistakes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
all over again.
This is due to the fact that
once the capital punishment has taken place, it cannot be undone in the cases when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
realizes that it was a false decision.

Firstly
, these attackers can
be provided
with a second opportunity in case they are willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
themselves. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
can put them into rehabilitation
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure they regain their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
human nature. Referring to the statistics, a recent research proved that rehabilitation
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
have transformed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
for the betterment of them, thereby for society. This ensures that we can obtain a nation free from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates and offering a second life for the offenders to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
that can benefit the society.

Adding on, the death penalty is an irreversible action as once the person
is hanged
, the soul of a person cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back. Judges are
also
humans, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
mistakes, they are no God, which means they don’t know the exact situation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
,
thus
they may give the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
judgement.
For instance
, there was a person who
was sued
for raping 3 women.
However
, after 8 years, it came out that the accusation was a lie and those 3 women had made up the case. Unfortunately, the decision couldn’t
be altered
since the
It seems that a hyphen is missing.
so called
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
was already dead. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
fault of being a human, not knowing the precise situation and giving the death penalty to another human.

Lastly
, murdering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
, whether a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
or not, is
totally
against the laws of nature, we are no one to decide if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
or not. In the cases when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
is proven
guilty, the authorities can put him/her into prison for ever to teach him a lesson for his
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
doing
instead
of ending his entire lifespan. Every individual has a family attached to him/her, the jury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
consider their
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
at the same time.

In conclusion
, although applying death punishment decreases
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in a country, providing another opportunity to these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to transform their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
for the betterment of the society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Below is a map of the city of Brandfield. City planners have decided to build a new shopping mall for the area, and two sites, S1 and S2 have been proposed. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
417 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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