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is the high-quality education and excellent teachers in the high school is the most important factor for students to succeed at university or college? v.1

is the high-quality education and excellent teachers in the high school is the most important factor for students to succeed at university or college? v. 1
People's fitness of late, as a result of their job commitments, is lower than what it used to be in the past. This can be blamed on the amount of tasks some organizations give to their employees, but the solution could be to allow people more time outside job duties. Multiple tasks at workplaces make people remain less committed to their health. Some employers demand that their staff meets certain targets on daily or weekly basis. By so doing, the workmen only commit fully to job duties, and it further drags them away from physical activities. Bankers are a good example. They are often required to meet some monetary targets, without which they either receive a query or suffer delays in promotion. This is one major reason people might not fit today. The solutions are not far. Allowing people more days from work might avail them some space to visit some fitness homes. Away from such serious concerns raised at work, people feel satisfied doing things they would not have done if bothered with one set target or goal. Shell staff, for example, is allowed two days off, after they must have worked for a consecutive 48 hour period. They utilize this time in caring for themselves, with special attention to their health needs. In other words, allowing employees free days from work could help them build fitness. In conclusion, despite being overwhelmed with employment duties and being more and more unfit, people can pay some attention to their health if organizations allow them some days off duty.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's fitness of late,
as a result
of their job commitments, is lower than what it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be in the past. This can
be blamed
on the amount of tasks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
organizations give to their employees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the solution could be to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more time outside job duties.

Multiple tasks at workplaces
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
remain less committed to their health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
employers demand that their staff meets certain targets on daily or weekly basis. By
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
doing, the workmen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
commit
fully
to job duties, and it
further
drags them away from physical activities. Bankers are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example. They are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
required to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
monetary targets, without which they either receive a query or suffer delays in promotion. This is one major reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might not fit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

The solutions are not far. Allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more days from work might avail them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
space to visit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fitness homes. Away from such serious concerns raised at work,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel satisfied doing things they would not have done if bothered with one set target or goal.
Did you mean "she'll"?
Shell
staff,
for example
, is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
two days off, after they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have worked for a consecutive
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "48-hour"
48 hour
period. They utilize this time in caring for themselves, with special attention to their health needs.
In other words
, allowing employees free days from work could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them build fitness.

In conclusion
, despite
being overwhelmed
with employment duties and being more and more unfit,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
attention to their health if organizations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
days off duty.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay is the high-quality education and excellent teachers in the high school is the most important factor for students to succeed at university or college? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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