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Being a celebrity - such as a movie star or professional athlete - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity has more benefits or drawbacks? v.1

Being a celebrity - such as a movie star or professional athlete - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity has more benefits or drawbacks? v. 1
Being famous is one of the biggest dreams of people in the world, unfortunately not everyone can have the popularity of a movie star or a professional athlete. Some people think than being famous can have an ample range of benefit like bigger incomes and public relationships while others believe that you cannot have a private life. I certainly think than being a celebrity has much more benefits than downsides. In this essay I will give some examples. Once you become famous, it is inherently known that you loss your privacy, famous are basically followed up by paparazzi, fans and journalist everywhere and they have to learn how to deal with it. Although these are the drawbacks, definitely they are the essence of all the advantages. For example, everyone knows that Michael Jackson liked kids and because of this fact, his popularity increased, so he was more prone to be invited to public events and earn more money. However, the more popular you are, the more are the chances that you can have to perform around the world and meet up people who can help you to boost your career as an artist or athlete. For instance, Shakira was helped in Colombia by a politician who was her boyfriend to participate in multiple International events. This made her really popular and after that she was the main musician of the Olympic games. At that time, I thought she did not care about showing her relationship with her fans. To summarize, the advantages of being popular outweigh the drawbacks. Incomes and experiences performing around the world are worth it enough to accept the downsides like the loss of privacy.
Being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
is one of the biggest dreams of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the world, unfortunately not everyone can have the popularity of a movie star or a professional athlete.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
than being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
can have an ample range of benefit like bigger incomes and public relationships while others believe that you cannot have a private life. I
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
than being a celebrity has much more benefits than downsides. In this essay I will give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples.

Once you become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
, it is
inherently
known that you
Did you mean "lost" (past tense of the verb 'lose')?
loss
your privacy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
are
basically
followed up by paparazzi, fans and journalist
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
everywhere and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
learn how to deal with it. Although these are the drawbacks, definitely they are the essence of all the advantages.
For example
, everyone knows that Michael Jackson liked kids and
because of this
fact, his popularity increased,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he was more prone to
be invited
to public
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and earn more money.

However
, the more popular you are, the more are the chances that you can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
perform around the world and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you to boost your career as an artist or athlete.
For instance
, Shakira was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
in Colombia by a politician who was her boyfriend to participate in multiple International
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. This made her
really
popular and after that she was the main musician of the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Olympic games
. At that time, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
she did not care about showing her relationship with her fans.

To summarize
, the advantages of being popular outweigh the drawbacks. Incomes and experiences performing around the world are worth it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to accept the downsides like the loss of privacy.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Being a celebrity - such as a movie star or professional athlete - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity has more benefits or drawbacks? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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