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Being a celebrity - such as a movie star or professional athlete - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity has more benefits or drawbacks? v.2

Being a celebrity - such as a movie star or professional athlete - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity has more benefits or drawbacks? v. 2
Nowadays with the advancement of mass media, talented people in many fields are widely known among people in all walks of life. They are celebrities and it is believed that being public figures has pros and cons, but I think that the advantages do outweigh the disadvantages. With regards to the drawbacks, famous people have to sacrifice their private life for reputation. Being distinguished means being the centre of attention and disturbed all the time. Celebrities have to act and behave properly whenever they are on cameras to protect images as a minor mistake can destroy their career completely. Therefore, renown people can not live true to themselves. Moreover, they have to accept the fact of always being tracked by reporters whenever they are at home or outside, which is annoying. However, celebrities who can overcome those disadvantages achieve a lot. Wherever they go they always receive admiration from their fans and are treated nobly. For example, every time a famous person appears in public there are always red carpet, reporters, cameras, luxurious cars, and lots of fans crazy about their idol. Another positive side to state is the financial benefit. Celebrities earn a lot through their work or performances. For instance, Rafael Nadal, a talented and professional tennis player, gain lots of money after a tournament. Now his possession is huge and he has a training centre for himself. To conclude, being famous has many drawbacks, but the benefits are much more to consider. Celebrities can not live a normal life, but they have the reputation, the possession and the success which are not easy to achieve.
Nowadays with the advancement of mass media, talented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields are
widely
known among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in all walks of life. They are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and it
is believed
that being public figures has pros and cons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the advantages do outweigh the disadvantages.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the drawbacks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sacrifice their private life for reputation.
Being distinguished
means being the
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
of attention and disturbed all the time.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
act and behave
properly
whenever they are on cameras to protect images as a minor mistake can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
their career completely.
Therefore
, renown
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
true to themselves.
Moreover
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
accept the fact of always being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracked
by reporters whenever they are at home or outside, which is annoying.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
who can overcome those disadvantages achieve a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
. Wherever they go they always receive admiration from their fans and
are treated
nobly
.
For example
, every time a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
person appears in public there are always red carpet, reporters, cameras, luxurious cars, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of fans crazy about their idol. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side to state is the financial benefit.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
earn a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
through their work or performances.
For instance
, Rafael
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nadal
, a talented and professional tennis player, gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of money after a tournament.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
his possession is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
huge and
he has a training
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
for himself.

To conclude
, being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the benefits are much more to consider.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a normal life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have the reputation, the possession and the success which are not easy to achieve.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Being a celebrity - such as a movie star or professional athlete - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity has more benefits or drawbacks? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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