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Because of the pressure of new subject such as business studies, many schools have dropped sport or physical education (PE) from the curriculum. How important is sport or PE in a young person’s education? v.1

Because of the pressure of new subject such as business studies, many schools have dropped sport or physical education (PE) from the curriculum. How important is sport or PE in a young person’s education? v. 1
Most important to prepare student for work or continue their study. Government should give more attention to this program, enter program to learn obligatory. Prime function this program is help student has private and social problem connect with education. Make physical education program easy to follow by student. Included sport for example. Sport in school only to complete curriculum, finally student has assume if sport like play game without know about sport benefit of sport. Enter sport to PE program will help student to make their personality better. Now, almost student has communication around television, computer, hand phone and expensive facility which has negative aspect to their growth. For example, many student spend of time with hand phone or tab, make conversation or play the game without care about other people moreover out of control by self and make big problem. Government should enter sport to PE program and available many facility and equipment to support this program and finally, sport program two times for a week, aerobic, run, walk, swimming for example. Commonly, PE program only solve problem about privacy problem but did not explain how about to make personality be better. PE program can prevent student to make a mistake in their live. Abusive behavior, crime case for example. Now, almost parents give expensive facility without know negative aspect to children’s growth. In conclusion, PE program in school not only to curriculum but can help teacher and parents to know about their children growth and build good personality when they are young. The result will student happy, healthy and more productive in class.
Most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
for work or continue their study.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should give more attention to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
, enter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
to learn obligatory. Prime function this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
has private and social problem connect with education.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Make
physical education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
easy to follow by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
. Included
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sport
in school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to complete curriculum,
finally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
has
Use past participle here: "assumed".
assume
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
like play game without know about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. Enter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
to PE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their personality better.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, almost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
has communication around television, computer, hand phone and expensive facility which has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspect to their growth. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
spend of time with hand phone or tab,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
conversation or play the game without care about other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
moreover
out of control by self and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
problem.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should enter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
to PE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
and available
Possible agreement error. The noun facility seems to be countable; consider using: "many facilities".
many facility
and equipment to support this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
and
finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
two times for a week, aerobic, run, walk, swimming for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
.
Commonly
, PE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
solve problem about privacy problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
how about to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
personality be better. PE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a mistake in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. Abusive behavior, crime case for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, almost parents give expensive facility without know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspect to children’s growth.

In conclusion
, PE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
in school not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to curriculum
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
teacher and parents to know about their children growth and build
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
personality when they are young. The result will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
happy, healthy and more productive in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
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IELTS essay Because of the pressure of new subject such as business studies, many schools have dropped sport or physical education (PE) from the curriculum. How important is sport or PE in a young person’s education? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
265 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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