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Because of religious beliefs, some people reject to serving people, while the others believe that no one has rights to reject serving someone. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Because of religious beliefs, some people reject to serving people, while the others believe that no one has rights to reject serving someone. v. 1
Some religious extremists deny serving the philosophy-opposed people, whereas the radical people believe everyone should receive treatment equally. Although people have the liberty of religious expression, the others also have rights to receive the identical services. Neither of someone’s rights are superior than the others. The religious liberty which is one of the basic rights of each human should be expressed freely. Everyone owns rights to choose the philosophy to believe equally without any intervention and judgements. Therefore, people are manifestly accepted to behave based on their religious principles as long as these behaviors do not violate the law. Ultimately, if someone tries to prevent people from pursuing their justifiably religious desire, it will violate the personal freedom and the human rights. In contrast, the others also own the rights to receive the appropriate treatment as equal as the religious-freed people, and these rights may generate a better scenario for the whole economy. As any rights, the rights to be served equally on everyone is reasonable. Additionally, the discrimination among customer segments may make the people or firms face to public protests so that these entities afterward will be isolated out of society gradually. Consequently, profit of these companies which is essential for surviving will end up with the catastrophic sliding. More companies are turned on by its customers, more detrimental effect economy will suffer. Generally, the religious liberty and the equal-served rights have to be treated respectfully and identically. People will be selfish, if they concentrate on their religious freedom and ignore the interest of the others. Moreover, the religious extremists should also contemplate the costs that they may receive between discrimination and equality in the treatment towards the others.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
extremists deny serving the philosophy-opposed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, whereas the radical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe everyone should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
receive
treatment
equally
. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the liberty of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
expression, the others
also
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
receive
the identical services. Neither of someone’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
are
Some adjectives derived from Latin act as both adjective and comparative. In these cases use the collocation 'to'
superior than
the others.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
liberty which is one of the basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
of each human should
be expressed
freely
. Everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
to choose the philosophy to believe
equally
without any intervention and judgements.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
manifestly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
to behave based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
principles as long as these behaviors do not violate the law.
Ultimately
, if someone tries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from pursuing their
justifiably
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
desire, it will violate the personal freedom and the human rights.

In contrast
, the others
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
receive
the appropriate treatment as equal as the religious-freed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
may generate a better scenario for the whole economy. As any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
to
be served
equally
on everyone is reasonable.
Additionally
, the discrimination among customer segments may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or firms face to public protests
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that these entities afterward will
be isolated
out of society
gradually
.
Consequently
, profit of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which is essential for surviving will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with the catastrophic sliding. More
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are turned
on by its customers, more detrimental effect economy will suffer.

Generally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
liberty and the equal-served
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be treated
respectfully
and
identically
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
will be selfish, if they concentrate on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
freedom and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the interest of the others.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
religious
extremists should
also
contemplate the costs that they may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
receive
between discrimination and equality in the treatment towards the others.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Because of religious beliefs, some people reject to serving people, while the others believe that no one has rights to reject serving someone. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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