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Increasing travels between countries enable people to learn different cultures or to increase tension between people from different countries? v.4

Increasing travels between countries enable people to learn different cultures or to increase tension between people from different countries? v. 4
In the contemporary era, acting as a social and ethical person is a major issue. Some people believe that parents are responsible to prepare children to be a valuable member of society. Nevertheless, some others think that social attitudes should be educated by schools. In my view, both of them are important in preparing children to be an efficient part of the community. Firstly, the children's personality is formed in the family environment, and parents have a crucial position in making children ready to take part in associations. Moreover, parents are their children's role-model and are followed by them. Kids learn honesty, respect, assistance and lots of ethics from their parents. For instance, when parents respect elderly people and help them, have a good relationship with neighbours or give assistance to disabled people, children see them and copy their behaviour. So, parents are the first people who initiate kids' character. On the other hand, the school has a significant role in upbringing children. Although, it almost educates academic subjects, in the meantime, teach some communication skills which are not more practical and are just for informing students. Furthermore, children learn many attitudes from their peers that are diverse and have different family cultures. Teachers are also another important role model for students. For example, I had a geometric teacher who was my hero and I loved her a lot, therefore, I mimic her behaviour and try to act the same as her. To conclude, from my point of view, both parents and schools have a responsibility in educating children and preparing them for the forthcoming future to be an effective member of society.
In the contemporary era, acting as a social and ethical person is a major issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are responsible to prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be a valuable member of society.
Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that social attitudes should
be educated
by schools. In my view, both of them are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in preparing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be an efficient part of the community.

Firstly
, the children's personality
is formed
in the family environment, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a crucial position in making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
ready to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in associations.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are their children's role-model and
are followed
by them. Kids learn honesty, respect, assistance and lots of ethics from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
For instance
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
respect elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them, have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
relationship with
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
or give assistance to disabled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
them and copy their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who initiate kids' character.

On the other hand
, the school has a significant role in upbringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Although, it almost educates academic subjects, in the meantime, teach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are not more practical and are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for informing students.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
attitudes from their peers that are diverse and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
family cultures. Teachers are
also
another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role model for students.
For example
, I had a geometric teacher who was my hero and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
her a lot,
therefore
, I mimic her
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and try to act the same as her.

To conclude
, from my point of view, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and schools have a responsibility in educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and preparing them for the forthcoming future to be an effective member of society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Increasing travels between countries enable people to learn different cultures or to increase tension between people from different countries? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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