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Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v.5

Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 5
The issue whether to attend a live performance or enjoy watching the same event on TV is a controversial one. However, in my opinion, an intermediate position can be taken. I base my suggestion on the following points. But before I begin I think I need to clarify what kind of live performances I like. I mostly attend concerts and prefer to see sports events on TV. First of all, watching an event on TV can bring many advantages. One can relax and settle in his favourite chair, eating a cake or having a drink. One does not have to spend time driving to the place where an event takes place. Also, he does not spend money on a ticket. Moreover, sometimes sitting in front of a TV set one is likely to see more interesting parts of a show more clearly with the help of an operator. Second, the weather is no longer of that importance. He does not care that it is rainy or chilly outside. From the other side, attending a live performance has many advantages too. Firstly, people can enjoy the songs as they are in a real time. Personally, I like to attend a live performance because they give much positive energy and many beautiful moments. Frankly, watching a show at home does not give me that. One can enjoy loud music, the closeness of his favourite stars and shout the songs he likes. In summary, I prefer to attend live performances in the case of a concert and show. However, in contrast, I prefer to watch sports events on television at home.
The issue whether to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
or enjoy watching the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
on TV is a controversial one.
However
, in my opinion, an intermediate position can
be taken
. I base my suggestion on the following points.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
I need to clarify what kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
I like. I
mostly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
concerts and prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on TV.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, watching an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
on TV can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages. One can relax and settle in his
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
chair, eating a cake or having a drink. One
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend time driving to the place where an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
takes place.
Also
, he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not spend money on a ticket.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
sitting in front of a TV set one is likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
more interesting parts of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
more
clearly
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of an operator. Second, the weather is no longer of that importance. He
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not care that it is rainy or chilly outside.

From the other side, attending a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages too.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can enjoy the songs as they are in a real time.
Personally
, I like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they give much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
energy and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
moments.
Frankly
, watching a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
at home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not give me that. One can enjoy loud music, the closeness of his
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
stars and shout the songs he likes.

In summary, I prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
in the case of a concert and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
.
However
,
in contrast
, I prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on television at home.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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