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Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 3
In today's sedentary and preoccupied lifestyle, getting a chance to experience something that a person can relish, will certainly break the monotony. Some people contend that witnessing a live art form like a drama or a play, or a game is more gratifying than viewing it on the home screen. I strongly advocate for this thought. In this essay we will discuss this from both the shores and will draw an inference. Watching TV in the comfort of home provides a pleasure as well as relaxation to its viewer. While, this home screen supported by latest technology, gives an individual the option to record and then view any telecast, even when the person is busy at work; furthermore,  provides the privilege to watch the show when he gets time to see it. Additionally, people can see the telecasts on repeated mode for the portion they really like. To illustrate, my husband remains on travel most of the time because of his work, so for him, access to his special games through the flat screen is something he always cherishes the most. Hence, this option becomes propitiously enjoyable for many in the society. But is this what we call a true enjoyment?  The thought is contentious. However, the opportunity of real time visualization of my favourite drama, or a concert, or my most loved game is something that I will appreciate for a lifetime. Moreover, viewing live performances gives a chance to socialize with people of like mindset and interests. A study by psychology department of Manchester university states that people who watch live shows/games are more satisfied towards that performance versus the people who watch it later or live on their screens at home. Having said that,  it's evident that a live audience is always happier, satisfied and socially well associated. To recapitulate, having mulled over above information and deliberating all the facts, it can be deducted that,  even though the access to TV is itself an enjoyment factor for most of the people, yet, a chance to view a live performance is most enjoyed by an individual. I personally feel more ecstatic when I get a chance to see my favourite singer performing live in front of me, then watching him on TV.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's sedentary and preoccupied lifestyle, getting a chance to experience something that a person can relish, will
certainly
break the monotony.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
contend that witnessing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
art form like a drama or a play, or a game is more gratifying than viewing it on the home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
. I
strongly
advocate for this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
. In this essay we will discuss this from both the shores and will draw an inference.

Watching TV in the comfort of home provides a pleasure
as well
as relaxation to its viewer. While, this home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
supported by latest technology, gives an individual the option to record and then view any telecast, even when the person is busy at work;
furthermore
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
provides the privilege to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
when he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the telecasts on repeated mode for the portion they
really
like. To illustrate, my husband remains on travel most of the time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
for him, access to his special games through the flat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
is something he always cherishes the most.
Hence
, this option becomes
propitiously
enjoyable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
in the society.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
is this what we call a true enjoyment?  The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
is contentious.
However
, the opportunity of real time visualization of my
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
drama, or a concert, or my most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
game is something that I will appreciate for a lifetime.
Moreover
, viewing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
performances gives a chance to socialize with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of like mindset and interests. A study by psychology department of Manchester university states that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
/games are more satisfied towards that performance versus the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
it later or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screens
at home. Having said that,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
it's evident that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
audience is always happier, satisfied and
socially
 well associated.

To recapitulate, having mulled over above information and deliberating all the facts, it can
be deducted
that,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
even though
 the access to TV is itself an enjoyment factor for most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
yet
, a chance to view a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
performance is most enjoyed by an individual. I
personally
feel more ecstatic when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
my
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
singer performing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in front of me, then watching him on TV.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
365 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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