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Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.5

Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 5
Thanks to the advent of technology, nowadays, people do not need to watch live performances such as a concert or soccer tournament, rather they could stay at home and enjoy the recap on television. Although this seems to have the potential to exceed the traditional appreciation for the convenience it proceeds, in my point of view, watching live events would still remain to be preferable to audiences. To begin with, it is no doubt that televisions have brought entertainment events closer to congregations closer than ever. Instead of spending time on booking tickets, reserving fine seats, and queueing to get to the stadium and standing among the crowd, plays or sports watchers can simply observe their show in just a click of a remote. Moreover, technology offers event audiences with various outlet functions, such as recap shows, volume control, and close-up scenes. With these advantages, show observers could not only save time and money, but also be able to be facilitated with benefits. However, despite all of these conveniences, indirect programs are still incapable to bring the thrilling, genuine and agitate vibe as eye-to-eye plays. For instance, on some occasions, technology cannot replicate the holy sound of human voices from concerts, typically, opera shows; or the breathtaking feel watching the quarrel between two soccer teams. In addition, at live shows, one has the chance to gather with other fans of a singer or sports team, to cheer their favourite team or to share opinions with other members. Furthermore, if they are lucky enough, they would even have the privilege to meet their idols at that stadium. In summary, the new method of approaching entertainment shows through television simplifies the process by which one watches the show; nevertheless, watching a performance directly is the sole way that offers the integral experience of a play.
Thanks to the advent of technology, nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
performances such as a concert or soccer tournament,
rather
they could stay at home and enjoy the recap on television. Although this seems to have the potential to exceed the traditional appreciation for the convenience it proceeds, in my point of view, watching
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
would
still
remain to be preferable to audiences.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is no doubt that televisions have brought entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
closer to congregations closer than ever.
Instead
of spending time on booking tickets, reserving fine seats, and
Possible spelling mistake found.
queueing
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to the stadium and standing among the crowd, plays or sports watchers can
simply
observe their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a click of a remote.
Moreover
, technology offers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
audiences with various outlet functions, such as recap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
, volume control, and close-up scenes. With these advantages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
observers could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
save time and money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
be able to
be facilitated
with benefits.

However
, despite all of these conveniences, indirect programs are
still
incapable to bring the thrilling, genuine and agitate vibe as eye-to-eye plays.
For instance
, on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
occasions, technology cannot replicate the holy sound of human voices from concerts,
typically
, opera
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
; or the breathtaking feel watching the quarrel between two soccer teams.
In addition
, at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
, one has the chance to gather with other fans of a singer or sports team, to cheer their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
team or to share opinions with other members.
Furthermore
, if they are lucky
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
, they would even have the privilege to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their idols at that stadium.

In summary, the new method of approaching entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
through television simplifies the process by which one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
;
nevertheless
, watching a performance
directly
is the sole way that offers the integral experience of a play.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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