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Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v.4

Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 4
Observing some events in real time in person has very different impact on human nature than watching recorded or broadcasted version. Liking and disliking vary from person to person, some people are delighted to attend events in a live show and others prefer to watch them while sitting in their bedroom. In my opinion, live programs are more recreational, socialising and provide chances to meet favourite actors or heroes and even one can get autographs. Firstly, while attending live events we can enjoy more because of charged audience and an amusing environment. Audience clap, dance, shouts and narrates slogan to warm the pleasant environment. At the end of the event, we can meet the distinguished people and even can take their pictures with you. Secondly, these recreational shows gather multidimensional joys and happiness with them. We schedule the programs with our family and friends and go to some place with food and cameras.   Live shows are the source of socialisation, we can meet our friend and even we can make new friends. The phenomenon of silent learning works, we learn few new things without effortful intention to learn that valuable quality. We may save our sweet memories with people around us by taking video shots. On the other hand, to join real-time shows are expensive, we have to spend a reasonable amount of money to join it. Moreover, we have to manage time to execute our attendance.   While watching these programs when they are broadcasted it is inexpensive and one can manage his daily routine by working around. In conclusion, we should join live programs to make our self more happy and cheerful but not at the cost of duty and disturbance in daily routine. Before choosing the option of these programs one should consider that expense   of tickets should not disturb the monthly budget of the family.
Observing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
in real time in person has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
impact on human nature than watching recorded or broadcasted version. Liking and disliking vary from person to person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are delighted
to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
them while sitting in their bedroom. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
are more recreational,
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialising' is British English.
socialising
and provide chances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
actors or heroes and even one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
autographs.

Firstly
, while attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
we can enjoy more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of charged audience and an amusing environment. Audience clap, dance, shouts and narrates slogan to warm the pleasant environment. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the distinguished
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and even can take their pictures with you.

Secondly
, these recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
gather multidimensional joys and happiness with them. We schedule the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
with our family and friends and go to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
place with food and cameras.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
are the source of
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialisation' is British English.
socialisation
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
our friend and even we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends. The phenomenon of silent learning works, we learn few new things without effortful intention to learn that valuable quality. We may save our sweet memories with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around us by taking video shots.

On the other hand
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
real-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
are expensive, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend a reasonable amount of money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
it.
Moreover
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
manage time to execute our attendance.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
While watching these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
when they
are broadcasted
it is inexpensive and one can manage his daily routine by working around.

In conclusion
, we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our self more happy and cheerful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not at the cost of duty and disturbance in daily routine.
“Before” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Before
choosing the option of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
one should consider that expense
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
of tickets should not disturb the monthly budget of the family.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 4

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
310 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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