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Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 2
Many people hold the belief that witnessing a live event is more entertaining than seeing the same performance broadcasted on television. From my point of view, I partly concur with this notion, because they have their own remarkable highlights. On the one hand, there are several reasons why people prefer live performances to broadcasted ones on television. First of all, the atmosphere of enthusiasm stimulates the high spirit and excitement of the attendees, which make them fully dedicate themselves to the performance; therefore, they will free their energy and enjoy themselves immensely. Moreover, should they be in public places where those performances such as sporting events or concerts, they will have a chance to socialise and see the people having the same interest. For instance, cheerleaders even strangers can embrace, shake hands and celebrate cheerfully whenever their favourite football teams win. On the other hand, broadcasted events also contain undeniably splendid advantages. People do not have to spend too much money purchasing expensive tickets as well as avoid inconvenience of travelling and booking seats. In addition, they find much more interesting to enjoy the performances if they are not distressed by the so-called unpleasant environment or the risk of injury when being in crowded and troublesome places. Last but not least, flying cameras are able to capture images in a multitude of distinctive angles, so that watchers have better qualities of sound and visions on television than watching directly. In conclusion, there is an argument whether watching events broadcasted on television is not as wonderful as live performances. I think there are a large number of benefits when attending live performances such as lifting the mood together with having new relationships and watching events on television including avoiding troubles, saving money and enjoy better quality.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold the belief that witnessing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
is more entertaining than seeing the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
broadcasted
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. From my point of view, I partly concur with this notion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
remarkable highlights.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
broadcasted
ones on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the atmosphere of enthusiasm stimulates the high spirit and excitement of the attendees, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
fully
dedicate themselves to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
;
therefore
, they will free their energy and enjoy themselves
immensely
.
Moreover
, should they be in public places where those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
such as sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
or concerts, they will have a chance to
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having the same interest.
For instance
, cheerleaders even strangers can embrace, shake hands and celebrate
cheerfully
whenever their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
football teams win.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
broadcasted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
also
contain
undeniably
splendid advantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend too much money purchasing expensive tickets
as well
as avoid inconvenience of travelling and booking seats.
In addition
, they find much more interesting to enjoy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
if they are not distressed by the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called unpleasant environment or the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of injury when being in crowded and troublesome places. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, flying cameras are able to capture images in a multitude of distinctive angles,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that watchers have better qualities of sound and visions on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
than watching
directly
.

In conclusion
, there is an argument whether watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
broadcasted
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is not as wonderful as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
benefits when attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
such as lifting the mood together with having new relationships and watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
including avoiding troubles, saving money and enjoy better quality.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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