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Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v.19

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v. 19
Due to the materialized view, the person's life has certainly revolutionized. This will lead to the increase in the working hours. As this will give them a few times for the recreational activity which gives them amusement and relaxation from their routine work. As per my opinion, this diversity having a more detrimental impact on the people, described in the below paragraphs. To begin with, the predominant demerit about limited free hours will gives a stress. This can be generated by continuous work pressure and not able to take enough rest, which gives them strength to continue their work. Moreover, the person who are working longer hours demands of the physical and mental rest. As a result, they will avoid to task part in the activity which amuses them. Even this will create a health issue to those having a sedentary lifestyle. For example, the adolescents who wish to achieve their admirable goals has to work longer hours, a result sometimes they have to suffer from the obesity. Furthermore, demanding jobs can get more attention from the person. As they cannot participate in the family function which organized by their peers for the celebration of some festival. Although this type of events will provide them refreshment and joy, they feel frustrated due to their incapability to join them. If this situation will continue, then they have to suffer from the family dispute. For instance, Research conducted shows that family problems occurring in the 21st century has been increased drastically compared to the past. In conclusion, there are many disadvantages of having less time for the enjoyment and this will create a detrimental impact on their health and their family relationships. So, this person should suffer from stress and many health issues.
Due to the materialized view, the person's life has
certainly
revolutionized. This will lead to the increase in the working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. As this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
them a few times for the recreational activity which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gives
them amusement and relaxation from their routine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. As per my opinion, this
You are missing the word "of" between "diversity" and "having". Did you mean "diversity of having" or "diverse having"?
diversity having
a more detrimental impact on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
in the below paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the predominant demerit about limited free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gives
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. This can
be generated
by continuous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
pressure and not able to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
rest, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gives
them strength to continue their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Moreover
, the person who are working longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
demands of the physical and mental rest.
As a result
, they will
The verb 'avoid' is used with the gerund form: "avoid tasking".
avoid to task
part in the activity which amuses them. Even this will create a health issue to those having a sedentary lifestyle.
For example
, the adolescents who wish to achieve their admirable goals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, a result
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer from the obesity.

Furthermore
, demanding jobs can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more attention from the person. As they cannot participate in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
function which organized by their peers for the celebration of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
festival. Although this type of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
will provide them refreshment and joy, they feel frustrated due to their incapability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
them. If this situation
Consider removing 'will'. (Usually, 'will' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless in the sense 'want to' or 'be willing to'.)
will continue
, then they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
dispute.
For instance
, Research conducted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
problems occurring in the 21st century has
been increased
drastically
compared to the past.

In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages of having less time for the enjoyment and this will create a detrimental impact on their health and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this person should suffer from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health issues.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? v. 19

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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