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At the present time, the population of some countries includes large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

At the present time, the population of some countries includes large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
The population problem has existed for decades and seems to become more serious day after day. At present, there is commonly a decline in the average age of people in nearly every country. However, some observers think young adults cause a larger variety of social problems than older men. Generally, I agree with the first view. In the first place, young adults are more able to drive the macro-economy. Obviously, young people appear to demand more consumer items than older adults. Therefore, they are quite concerned about working. In this condition, most young men work until midnight for promotion. At the same time, they spend their salaries on houses, trips and entertaining, etc. Finally, young adults increase the GDP from both sides. Besides, young people help save tons of money for the financial department, since the youth have less demand for social welfare. Instead, governments have to spend a lot of old men, children’s education and medical care. Although a world full of young humans is not quite perfect, the key point is that the social problem is easy to solve. Some may propose that the increasing number of young people will aggravate employment pressure. However, reports show that most innovators are under 30. Therefore, it is a trend that young companies are offering hundreds of jobs today. As a result, those new companies have restructured many kinds of industries by hiring well-educated young people. To sum up, the young generation, represents the future of a nation. They provide power to drive this world in all aspects, including the economy, culture and society. It is even more important that they are willing to reform the old stubborn rules and work for a better future.
The population problem has existed for decades and seems to become more serious day after day. At present, there is
commonly
a decline in the average age of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
nearly
every country.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
observers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
cause a larger variety of social problems than older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
Generally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
first
view.

In the
first
place,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are more able to drive the macro-economy.
Obviously
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
appear to demand more consumer items than older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
Therefore
, they are quite concerned about working. In this condition, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
work until midnight for promotion. At the same time, they spend their salaries on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
, trips and entertaining, etc.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
increase the GDP from both sides.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
save tons of money for the financial department, since the youth have less demand for social welfare.
Instead
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, children’s education and medical care.

Although a world full of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
humans is not quite perfect, the key point is that the social problem is easy to solve.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
may
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "proposes".
propose
that the increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will aggravate employment pressure.
However
, reports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that most innovators are under 30.
Therefore
, it is a trend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are offering hundreds of jobs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
As a result
, those new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have restructured
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kinds of industries by hiring well-educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To sum up, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation, represents the future of a nation. They provide power to drive this world in all aspects, including the economy, culture and society. It is even more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that they are willing to reform the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
stubborn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and work for a better future.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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