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At present time, the population of present countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with a number of older people. do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantage? v.1

At present time, the population of present countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with a number of older people. do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantage? v. 1
Visiting the museum is becoming the part of our culture, though not all museums have the same policy concerning the fee for entrance, because some museums demand the payment and others are not. However, this issue must be seen in various categories in order to get the proper understanding, whether this can directly affect the museums or not. Firstly, if the museums are not directly funded by the government, then they will solely rely on the admission tickets. Furthermore, paying extra charge for the entrance tickets will directly increase the revenue of the museums, as well as helping them to raise fund for improving the maintenance. In addition, the museums can use the ticket fee to become their major benefits. For example, creating the advertisement related to the museums to attract more people. Likewise, in Jakarta, one museum, that fully focused on promoting classical musics is self-funded museum, however the number of visitors keeps increasing every year, because they attract the people by promoting themselves, along with creating great events to entertain the visitors. Conversely, this issue also can be the major drawbacks for the museums, who demand the payment for the admission. Because some people visit the museums only for leisure time and because of that, visitors will choose the other museums that are totally free. In addition, if that museums are not helped by the local authority, then they may not have enough money to promote themselves, as well as attracting more people to visit the museums. Furthermore, the worst thing is the museums can stop displaying their exhibition to the public. To sum up, I would concede that the benefits of charging the admission fee will depend on how the museums utilize the fund to promote themselves, so more people are attracted to visit them.
Visiting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
is becoming the part of our culture, though not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
have the same policy concerning the fee for entrance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
demand the payment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
are not.
However
, this issue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in various categories in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the proper understanding, whether this can
directly
affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
or not.

Firstly
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are not
directly
funded by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, then they will
solely
rely on the admission tickets.
Furthermore
, paying extra charge for the entrance tickets will
directly
increase the revenue of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
,
as well
as helping them to raise fund for improving the maintenance.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the ticket fee to become their major benefits.
For example
, creating the advertisement related to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
to attract more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Likewise
, in Jakarta, one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
, that
fully
focused on promoting classical musics is self-funded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
,
however
the number of visitors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
increasing every year,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they attract the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by promoting themselves, along with creating great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
to entertain the visitors.

Conversely
, this issue
also
can be the major drawbacks for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
, who demand the payment for the admission.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
visit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for leisure time and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that, visitors will choose the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
that are
totally
free.
In addition
, if that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
by the local authority, then they may not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to promote themselves,
as well
as attracting more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to visit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
.
Furthermore
, the worst thing is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
displaying their exhibition to the public.

To sum up, I would concede that the benefits of charging the admission fee will depend on how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
utilize the fund to promote themselves,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are attracted
to visit them.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay At present time, the population of present countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with a number of older people. do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantage? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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