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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 5
It is a well-established idea that nowadays, the majority of the population in some nations consists of younger individuals. There are a number of benefits as well as drawbacks for this situation. However, I believe that the benefits are more significant, and in the following I will make my reasons clear. The larger number of youth can ameliorate the country's situation across the world, considering its economy and development. The fresh generation is likely to come up with brilliant, innovative ideas that would lead to great progresses for the nation. As an illustration, they can manufacture one-of-a-kind products, such as environmentally-friendly cars, and earn income for their country through exports. As a result, not only does the country benefits from raised funds but also it owns a better image compared to others. In addition, fewer elderly means less budget should be allocated to the pension and social services. So, the more is invested in a segment of society that is more likely to return profits to the government. However, if the government does not have the required infrastructure, it is likely to suffer from enhanced number of young population. The possible benefits are tightly related to the provision of facilities to support the talented people. As an illustration, if the industries are dealing with economic crisis, they will be urged to downsize, if not be closed. As a result, the dearth of job opportunities will exert a profound negative impact on the future of the country. For instance, it will be exposed to brain-drain, as a result of massive immigration of youth in pursue of occupations in other countries. In conclusion, although there should be some rudimentary resources to cultivate the young people in the country, it can considerably benefit from young people toward achieving a better economic condition.
It is a well-established
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that nowadays, the majority of the population in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations consists of younger individuals. There are a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
as well
as drawbacks for this situation.
However
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
are more significant, and in the following I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
my reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
.

The larger number of youth can ameliorate the country's situation across the world, considering its economy and development. The fresh generation is likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with brilliant, innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
that would lead to great progresses for the nation. As an illustration, they can manufacture one-of-a-kind products, such as
environmentally
-friendly cars, and earn income for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
through exports.
As a result
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
from raised funds
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
a better image compared to others.
In addition
, fewer elderly means less budget should
be allocated
to the pension and social services.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the more
is invested
in a segment of society
that is
more likely to return profits to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

However
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
does not have the required infrastructure, it is likely to suffer from enhanced number of young population. The possible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
are
tightly
related to the provision of facilities to support the talented
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. As an illustration, if the industries are dealing with economic crisis, they will
be urged
to downsize, if not
be closed
.
As a result
, the dearth of job opportunities will exert a profound
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the future of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
For instance
, it will
be exposed
to brain-drain,
as a result
of massive immigration of youth in pursue of occupations in other countries.

In conclusion
, although there should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
rudimentary resources to cultivate the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, it can
considerably
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
from young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
toward achieving a better economic condition.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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