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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.38

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 38
In some nations number of young generation overlap the highest percentage of total population as oppose to adult people. From my point of view, this is an unbalancing situation, which in long-run may detrimental effect on the society. Admittedly, when young people more than adult that means burgeon improvement of the country. In other words, hefty proportion of young devoted their life behind work, family and country, therefore, earning money, which they use for the betterment of the society. Besides that, young star are more energetic, so they also involve in some charitable work like blood donation, raising fund etc. To exemplify, in Bangladesh, larger number of young work in the abroad and send foreign currency, after analyzing survey found that 90 percent income contribution is by young people. Apart from this, young' s are taking more risk for country. What I mean by this is that in different civil service such as the army or the police appoint people range from 20-40 and after 50 they retire from work, similarly, man made war, natural devastation wisely solved by vitalize young people. On the other hand, adults are base of the society, without them whole generation jeopardize their values. This is because, adult persons are spend their life collecting experiences, if they do not show proper direction, young may underpin the society by taking unwanted risk, unethical activities. In addition, adult person take significant decision, hence, by considering all aspects of the situation or forecast the upcoming perspective. While older person overcome insurmountable obstacles, if young annihilate their undergoes, thus may impact on the whole society, more importantly, impede the future generation' s enlargement. I am strongly believe that disequilibrium of population hazardous for the upcoming circumstances, because adult elucidate the road of augmentation by sharing their experience, which must be followed by the next generation. In conclusion, although the numerous inconvenience may deteriorate the higher percent of young generations advantages.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation overlap the highest percentage of total population
Did you mean "as opposed to"?
as oppose to
adult
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

From my point of view, this is an unbalancing situation, which in long-run may detrimental effect on the society.

Admittedly
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
more than adult that means burgeon improvement of the country.
In other words
, hefty proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
devoted their life behind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, family and country,
therefore
, earning money, which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for the betterment of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Besides
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
star are more energetic,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
also
involve in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
charitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
like blood donation, raising fund etc. To exemplify, in Bangladesh, larger number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the abroad and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
foreign currency, after analyzing survey found that 90 percent income contribution is by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Apart from this,
Possible spelling mistake found.
young&
#039; s are taking more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
for country. What I mean by this is that in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
civil service such as the army or the police appoint
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
range from 20-40 and after 50 they retire from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
similarly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
made war, natural devastation
wisely
solved by vitalize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are base of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, without them whole generation jeopardize their values. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, adult persons are
Consider using a past participle here: "spent".
spend
their life collecting experiences, if they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
proper direction,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
may underpin the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
by taking unwanted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
, unethical activities.
In addition
, adult person take significant decision,
hence
, by considering all aspects of the situation or forecast the upcoming perspective. While older person overcome insurmountable obstacles, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
annihilate their undergoes,
thus
may impact
on the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, more
importantly
, impede the future
Possible spelling mistake found.
generation&
#039; s enlargement.

I am
strongly
Consider using a past participle here: "believed".
believe
that disequilibrium of population hazardous for the upcoming circumstances,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
adult elucidate the road of augmentation by sharing their experience, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be followed
by the
next
generation.

In conclusion
, although the numerous inconvenience may deteriorate the higher percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generations advantages.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 38

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
321 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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