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Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.12

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. v. 12
Some people advocate that ex-prisoners can amend themselves to become normal, productive members of society. Personally, I agree with the idea of this statement that allowing such people to share their experiences is the best way to discourage teenagers from breaking laws. There are certainly some reasons why having someone who speaks from their experience is the best method. First and foremost, more obviously, teenagers are more likely to accept advice from people who have been through a lot in life. Reformed offenders can tell youngsters about how they involved in crimes, the dangers of a criminal lifestyle and what life in prison is really like. In this way, they can dispel the criminal mind of adolescents in which will greatly reduce the level of crime in the future and create safety environment for inhabitants. However, the alternatives of using reformed criminals to educate teenagers about the dangers of committing crimes would much less effective. First of all, the option would be for police officers to visit schools and talk to young students. This could be useful information for young students regarding the regulation of laws, but students, more often than not, are unwilling to take advice from the figure of authority. Secondly, the other alternative would be for teachers to spread the consequences of committing crimes. Informative and credible as school teachers are, they are not likely to convince students as they have no experience in that field but theories in which not what students want. In conclusion, although there are two distinctive spectrums to both approaches, I strongly agree that ex-offenders who have become good members of society after serving a prison sentence could help to deter adolescents from committing crimes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate that ex-prisoners can amend themselves to become normal, productive members of society.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of this statement that allowing such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to share their experiences is the best way to discourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
from breaking laws.

There are
certainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why having someone who speaks from their experience is the best method.
First
and foremost, more
obviously
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are more likely to accept advice from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have been through a lot in life. Reformed offenders can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
youngsters about how they involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of a criminal lifestyle and what life in prison is
really
like. In this way, they can dispel the criminal mind of adolescents in which will
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
in the future and create safety environment for inhabitants.

However
, the alternatives of using reformed criminals to educate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
would much less effective.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the option would be for police officers to visit schools and talk to young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. This could be useful information for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
regarding the regulation of laws,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not, are unwilling to take advice from the figure of authority.
Secondly
, the other alternative would be for teachers to spread the consequences of committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
. Informative and credible as school teachers are, they are not likely to convince
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
as they have no experience in that field
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
theories in which not what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
want.

In conclusion
, although there are two distinctive
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "spectra", the plural form of the noun 'spectrum'?
spectrums
to both approaches, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that ex-offenders who have become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
members of society after serving a prison sentence could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to deter adolescents from committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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