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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.34

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 34
The demographic of a country varies from one another, but these days, the population of young people is outracing the older ones. While there are a lot of advantages and disadvantages relating to this topic, the drawbacks precede over the positive aspects. Based on recent data, most countries with a higher youth population tend to have a miserable life expectancy rate, a probable result from an increasing birth rate without the availability of the right resources for such conditions. Consequently, most of its population will suffer from poverty and awful living conditions. In addition, the rate of unemployment will skyrocket as the number of workers exceeds the variety of job fields available. For instance, underdeveloped countries such as Nigeria, Indonesia, and Kenya all fit the descriptions. However, there are some possible advantages. The cultures and customs of these countries will never diminish. As a result of their rapid birth rate, there are new generations born almost every day that could prevent these cultures from ever disappearing. Furthermore, the development of a nation is greatly dependent with fresh ideas made by its civilians. Currently, countries like Germany, Singapore, and Japan are at risk because they are running out of young people that could lead and continue to improve their country. In conclusion, although there are a few advantages regarding the high rate of young civilians in a country, there is a plethora of benefits that outweigh the negative aspects. A nation will be more efficient if the population of young adults does not outnumber older citizens.
The demographic of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
varies from one another,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these days, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is outracing the older ones. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages and disadvantages relating to this topic, the drawbacks precede over the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects.

Based on recent data, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with a higher youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
tend to have a miserable life expectancy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
, a probable result from an increasing birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
without the availability of the right resources for such conditions.
Consequently
, most of its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
will suffer from poverty and awful living conditions.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of unemployment will skyrocket as the number of workers exceeds the variety of job fields available.
For instance
, underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
such as Nigeria, Indonesia, and Kenya all fit the descriptions.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible advantages. The cultures and customs of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
will never diminish.
As a result
of their rapid birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
, there are new generations born almost every day that could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
these cultures from ever disappearing.
Furthermore
, the development of a nation is
greatly
dependent with fresh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
made by its civilians.
Currently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like Germany, Singapore, and Japan are at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are running out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that could lead and continue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their country.

In conclusion
, although there are a few advantages regarding the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
civilians in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, there is a plethora of benefits that outweigh the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects. A nation will be more efficient if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults does not outnumber older citizens.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 34

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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