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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.19

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. v. 19
Hospitals and medical centres are stressed because of the increasing number of people who have an unhealthy weight. Certain individuals believe that the best way to manage this issue is to have more physical education (PE) classes at school Paraphrase. In my opinion, I totally disagree with this idea because diet has the biggest impact on a students’ weight. There are reasons why I argue that diet has a bigger impact on one’s health than exercise during PE class. Topic Sentence First of all, it is easier to improve our health by changing our diet than doing more PE classes. Supporting Idea For instance, overweight students can simply eat less fat and sugar. Evidence Furthermore, it takes a lot of time to burn calories, which can consume in minutes. Supporting Idea So any benefits to a student’s health from a PE class can be cancelled out by simply eating a Snickers bar. Evidence Hence, schools should actively promote healthier diets to their students to help them to lose weight rather than adding more PE classes. Topic Sentence Most importantly, schools can ensure that only healthy food is served in the school canteen. Supporting Idea For example, food that is high in fat, sugar or salt should be banned. Evidence In addition, lessons on a balanced diet should be given during school time. Supporting Idea Such lessons should teach students about the dangers of obesity and how to maintain a healthy weight. Evidence In conclusion, having more PE classes isn’t the best way to address the problem of obesity. Conclusion If I were a school principal, I would introduce a healthier menu at the school canteen instead.
Hospitals and medical
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the increasing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have an unhealthy weight. Certain individuals believe that the best way to manage this issue is to have more physical education (PE)
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
Paraphrase. In my opinion, I
totally
disagree with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
diet has the biggest impact on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
weight.

There are reasons why I argue that diet has a bigger impact on one’s health than exercise during PE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. Topic Sentence
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is easier to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our health by changing our diet than doing more PE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
. Supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Idea
For instance
, overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
simply
eat less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sugar. Evidence
Furthermore
, it takes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time to burn calories, which can consume in minutes. Supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
any benefits to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
health from a PE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
can
be cancelled
out by
simply
eating a Snickers bar. Evidence

Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
actively
promote healthier diets to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to lose weight
rather
than adding more PE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
. Topic Sentence Most
importantly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can ensure that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
healthy food
is served
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
canteen. Supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Idea
For example
, food
that is
high in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, sugar or salt should
be banned
. Evidence
In addition
, lessons on a balanced diet should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
time. Supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Idea
Such lessons should teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of obesity and how to maintain a healthy weight. Evidence

In conclusion
, having more PE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
isn’t the best way to address the problem of obesity. Conclusion If I were a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
principal, I would introduce a healthier menu at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
canteen
instead
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. v. 19

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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