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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvatages? v.29

The citizens of some countries contain much more young grown-ups than the elderly. I agree that the positive points of doing so are more nurmerous than drawbacks. Accelerating the growth of the country’s economy as well as independence of foreign employee will be discussed as the two major plus points, followed by the difficulty of creating job in some cases as the main peril. Educated young adults could boost the economic climate in developmental countries because they might use their knowledge to increase efficiency at many fields such as technology and industry, since young people are keen and highly motivated they could do their jobs at frantic pace. In doing so, the economic indicator can be promoted. Additional to this, the more young native inhabitants are hired as employee, the less foreign staffs are engaged. This is not to say that employers do not need foreign employee, but it is easy for employers to work with native employees. This measure would cause the prosperity of the indigenous population. On a more negative note, fully-grown people are effortlessly hired not in all area, meaning that it would be challenge for young people to find a proper job, for the reason that there is an intense competition between young adults who applying for suitable job. However, the certainty of such an issue could be solved inasmuch as foreign companies could construct and manufacture many job opportunities. This action, accordingly, could minimize the risk of unemployment. To summarize, regarding the big number of young citizens of some countries could bring more benefits or detriments to meliorating economy in those countries, meaning that using young adults as human resources might lead to countries improving their economic system in addition to lowering taskmasters’ dependence on hiring foreign employees.
The citizens of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
contain much more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
grown-ups than the elderly. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
points of doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
are more
Possible spelling mistake found.
nurmerous
than drawbacks. Accelerating the growth of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
economy
as well
as independence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
will
be discussed
as the two major plus points, followed by the difficulty of creating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases as the main peril.

Educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults could boost the economic climate in developmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their knowledge to increase efficiency at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields such as technology and industry, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are keen and
highly
motivated they could do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
at frantic pace. In doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, the economic indicator can
be promoted
.

Additional to this, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
native inhabitants
are hired
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
, the less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
staffs
are engaged
. This is not to say that employers do not need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is easy for employers to work with native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. This measure would cause the prosperity of the indigenous population.

On a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
note,
fully
-grown
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
effortlessly
hired not in all area, meaning that it would be
The past participle is required after “would be”.
challenge
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to find a proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, for the reason that there is an intense competition between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults who applying for suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
However
, the certainty of such an issue could
be solved
inasmuch as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
could construct and manufacture
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities. This action,
accordingly
, could minimize the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of unemployment.

To summarize
, regarding the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
citizens of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
could bring more benefits or detriments to meliorating economy in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, meaning that using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults as human resources might lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
improving their economic system
in addition
to lowering taskmasters’ dependence on hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
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IELTS essay at the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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