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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.22

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 22
In recent times, some nations have a higher society with younger people than older. Indeed, the having fact has both advantages and disadvantages. Personally, I opine that positive implications of having a youthful culture over-weigh the negative ones. The following essay will discuss the merits and demerits with examples to support both points of view. Unfortunately, having younger people could lead to lack of people who are professionals in the society. This is to say that an older state may be more educated than the young one as they have had more time to study during their lives. For illustration, to become a specialist in physician, at least 10 years of university study are main requirement and that may not be able for a young adult because of time and age. Moving to the other side, youthful public is in general more active and happier. By this I mean, they have less old age- associated illness which makes them to work more and maintain them-self to keep active. Adding to the fact that healthy people can work more efficiently and so they can contribute to the economy of the nation, making money rather than spending it. For instance, it is fact that old society either spends lots of money on health care for their senior citizen or on some amusement activities. Another positive aspect of youngest populace is that there are more chances of having outstanding sports professionals. In other words, youth is more dynamic and more energetic than older people to practice and become sports professional. For example, in soccer most players retire from their soccer-career when they turn thirty years old. With old people there would be no time to start a sport career. In conclusion, with the arguments given above, I firmly believe that the advantages of the youthful population outweigh the disadvantages. Even though, there are some positive aspects of having an older community that we should consider.
In recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations have a higher society with younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
.
Indeed
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
fact has both advantages and disadvantages.
Personally
, I opine that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
implications of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a youthful culture over-weigh the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ones. The following essay will discuss the merits and demerits with examples to support both points of view.

Unfortunately,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could lead to lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are professionals in the society. This is to say that an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
state may be more educated than the young one as they have had more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to study during their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. For illustration, to become a specialist in physician, at least 10 years of university study are main requirement and that may not be able for a young adult
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and age.

Moving to the other side, youthful public is
in general
more active and happier. By this I mean, they have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
age- associated illness which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them to work more and maintain them-self to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
active. Adding to the fact that healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can work more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
efficiently and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can contribute to the economy of the nation, making money
rather
than spending it.
For instance
, it is fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
society either spends lots of money on health care for their senior citizen or on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amusement activities. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the youngest".
youngest
populace is that there are more chances of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
outstanding sports professionals.
In other words
, youth is more dynamic and more energetic than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to practice and become sports professional.
For example
, in soccer most players retire from their soccer-career when they turn thirty years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
. With
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
there would be no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a sport career.

In conclusion
, with the arguments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
above, I
firmly
believe that the advantages of the youthful population outweigh the disadvantages.
Even though
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
community that we should consider.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 22

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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