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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.21

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 21
In comparison to the number of elderlies, some nations’ population consists of a huge number of young adults nowadays. Although there are some benefits, I believe there are more drawbacks. On the one hand, having adults as a major part of the population means the country would have extra workforce. With many citizens able to work legally, the state can hire them to work in many different fields and there would be no problem with a shortage of workers. Hence, it is beneficial to have many young people. On the other hand, having such difference in the ratio between old and young civilians can indicate country’s poor health care systems. Since there are a few pensioners but many grownups, it means that adults don't live long. One of the reasons for this phenomenon is bad medical facilities, for example, not enough hospitals or qualified personnel and lack of modern medicine. Furthermore, this occurrence can also show that state has little technological advancement. Having outdated or no machinery would result in harsher work environment for the employees. This, in turn, would result in physical problems. For instance, farmers may lack tractors, so they would need to do everything by hand, which may cause bone and muscle soreness, as well as fatigue. As many individuals have these issues, or some might suffer from worse conditions, most people would have a shorter lifespan. In conclusion, while having considerably more young adults than elderly has some advantages, I think the disadvantages outweigh them. It can benefit the country with additional labour, but it would also show that a country has poor health care and technological progression.
In comparison
to the number of
Possible spelling mistake found.
elderlies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations’ population consists of a huge number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
nowadays. Although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits, I believe there are more drawbacks.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
as a major part of the population means the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
would have extra workforce. With
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
citizens able to work
legally
, the state can hire them to work in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields and there would be no problem with a shortage of workers.
Hence
, it is beneficial to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
such difference in the ratio between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
civilians can indicate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
poor health care systems. Since there are a few pensioners
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
grownups, it means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
long. One of the reasons for this phenomenon is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
medical facilities,
for example
, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
hospitals or qualified personnel and lack of modern medicine.

Furthermore
, this occurrence can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that state has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
technological advancement.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Having
outdated or no machinery would result in harsher work environment for the employees. This, in turn, would result in physical problems.
For instance
, farmers may lack tractors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they would need to do everything by hand, which may cause bone and muscle soreness,
as well
as fatigue. As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals have these issues, or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
might suffer from worse conditions, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would have a shorter lifespan.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
considerably
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
than elderly has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the disadvantages outweigh them. It can benefit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
with additional
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has poor health care and technological progression.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 21

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
272 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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