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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.21

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 21
In comparison to the number of elderlies, some nations’ population consists of a huge number of young adults nowadays. Although there are some benefits, I believe there are more drawbacks. On the one hand, having adults as a major part of the population means the country would have extra workforce. With many citizens able to work legally, the state can hire them to work in many different fields and there would be no problem with a shortage of workers. Hence, it is beneficial to have many young people. On the other hand, having such difference in the ratio between old and young civilians can indicate country’s poor health care systems. Since there are a few pensioners but many grownups, it means that adults don't live long. One of the reasons for this phenomenon is bad medical facilities, for example, not enough hospitals or qualified personnel and lack of modern medicine. Furthermore, this occurrence can also show that state has little technological advancement. Having outdated or no machinery would result in harsher work environment for the employees. This, in turn, would result in physical problems. For instance, farmers may lack tractors, so they would need to do everything by hand, which may cause bone and muscle soreness, as well as fatigue. As many individuals have these issues, or some might suffer from worse conditions, most people would have a shorter lifespan. In conclusion, while having considerably more young adults than elderly has some advantages, I think the disadvantages outweigh them. It can benefit the country with additional labour, but it would also show that a country has poor health care and technological progression.
In comparison
to the number of
elderlies
,
some
nations’ population consists of a huge number of
young
adults
nowadays. Although there are
some
benefits, I believe there are more drawbacks.

On the one hand,
having
adults
as a major part of the population means the
country
would have extra workforce. With
many
citizens able to work
legally
, the state can hire them to work in
many
different
fields and there would be no problem with a shortage of workers.
Hence
, it is beneficial to have
many
young
people
.

On the other hand
,
having
such difference in the ratio between
old
and
young
civilians can indicate
country’s
poor health care systems. Since there are a few pensioners
but
many
grownups, it means that
adults
don't
live
long. One of the reasons for this phenomenon is
bad
medical facilities,
for example
, not
enough
hospitals or qualified personnel and lack of modern medicine.

Furthermore
, this occurrence can
also
show
that state has
little
technological advancement.
Having
outdated or no machinery would result in harsher work environment for the employees. This, in turn, would result in physical problems.
For instance
, farmers may lack tractors,
so
they would need to do everything by hand, which may cause bone and muscle soreness,
as well
as fatigue. As
many
individuals have these issues, or
some
might suffer from worse conditions, most
people
would have a shorter lifespan.

In conclusion
, while
having
considerably
more
young
adults
than elderly has
some
advantages, I
think
the disadvantages outweigh them. It can benefit the
country
with additional
labour
,
but
it would
also
show
that a
country
has poor health care and technological progression.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 21

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
272 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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