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It is better to children if the whole family including aunts, uncles and so on should be involved in a child’s upbringing, rather than just their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

It is better to children if the whole family including aunts, uncles and so on should be involved in a child’s upbringing, rather than just their parents. v. 1
It is condemned that the growing of juveniles is not just the responsibility of parents, but the elder members of extended families should be involved as well. Although in a few specific contexts, the contribution by others might be beneficial, I am of the opinion that by and large, it ought to be just the parents' duties. Admittedly, growing in a joint family might possibly facilitate some hardship experienced by parents. As both parents are supposed to work, they are less likely to be anxious about their children. This is a huge relief to know that they are always taken care by someone. Moreover, having the infants in extended families could possibly play a vital role in children's communication. In case offspring interact with many people with various characters, they are on the verge of being sociable in the future. However, in general, raising the child in a immediate family is more likely to be beneficial for a range of reasons. To begin with, the contribution of relatives could possibly cause the interference. That is to say that each person might have different directions for bringing up which could lead to experiencing dilemma by children. In addition, people ought to be taught to realize the responsibilities from the young ages. For example, if schoolchildren have their homework done by any family members, in this respect, they are less likely to understand personal commitments. Thus, even in case parents refuse to assist children, they have an option to be helped by their relatives. In conclusion, while the extended family might have an undeniable role in the child's growing, when viewed as a whole, all juniors should be raised only by parents.
It
is condemned
that the growing of juveniles is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the elder members of extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
should
be involved
as well
. Although in a few specific contexts, the contribution by others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be beneficial, I am of the opinion that by and large, it ought to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the parents' duties.

Admittedly
, growing in a joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
possibly
facilitate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hardship experienced by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. As both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are supposed
to work, they are less likely to be anxious about their children. This is a huge relief to know that they are always taken care by someone.
Moreover
, having the infants in extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
could
possibly
play a vital role in children's communication. In case offspring interact with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with various characters, they are on the verge of being sociable in the future.

However
,
in general
, raising the child in
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
immediate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is more likely to be beneficial for a range of reasons. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the contribution of relatives could
possibly
cause the interference.
That is
to say that each person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
directions for bringing up which could lead to experiencing dilemma by children.
In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
ought to
be taught
to realize the responsibilities from the young ages.
For example
, if schoolchildren have their homework done by any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members, in this respect, they are less likely to understand personal commitments.
Thus
, even in case
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
refuse to assist children, they have an option to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
by their relatives.

In conclusion
, while the extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
have an undeniable role in the child's growing, when viewed as a whole, all juniors should
be raised
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay It is better to children if the whole family including aunts, uncles and so on should be involved in a child’s upbringing, rather than just their parents. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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