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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.20

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 20
In this epoch, the humans of different countries having a great multitude of adolescents in comparison with the senior citizens. I personally believe that, a young generation is the workforce of any state and they play a crucial role in the process of development. However, they are so energetic and if someone cannot utilize it, this leads towards the wrong side, which is really a perilous situation in that country. Undoubtedly, the elderly mankind knows about the culture, traditions more than the middle-aged humans. In addition, they have a profound knowledge pertaining to several things because they spend many hours on them. While, the new generation does not contain that much information. For instance, according to a recent research, which revealed that the inhabitants of Thailand have forgotten their norms. The primary reason of this, they have 80% adolescents and old folks are present in a small percentage. So, no one is there to elaborate and grasp them about their rituals. Moreover, if the middle-aged people do not secure a job, then they move towards the evil side and commit a crime, which become a critical condition for any nation. Nevertheless, the senior citizen of a society are not healthy, they suffer from different diseases and a huge proportion of GDPA outlay for them. On the other hand, the human range from the age 19-35 are proactive, they are so muscular and actively boost the economy of any country. For example, a survey conducted by the statistics department, which highlighted that multinational firms have interests in a youth, because they know that, they have a potential, which they require. Furthermore, they also earn an honour for their countries by participating in different sports events, which gave a fame to their nations all over the world. To conclude, both of the persons have their own importance. If the middle-aged human runs the economy and development of a state, then the old mankind also have a huge knowledge of their norms as well as a science, which play an indispensable role. But, I think that its benefits outweigh its drawbacks.
In this epoch, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries having a great multitude of adolescents
in comparison
with the senior citizens. I
personally
believe that, a young generation is the workforce of any
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
state and
they play a crucial role in the process of development.
However
, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
energetic and if someone cannot utilize it, this leads towards the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
side, which is
really
a perilous situation in that country.

Undoubtedly
, the elderly mankind knows about the culture, traditions more than the middle-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
.
In addition
, they have a profound knowledge pertaining to several things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours on them.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, the new generation does not contain that much information.
For instance
, according to a recent research, which revealed that the inhabitants of Thailand have forgotten their norms. The primary reason of this, they have 80% adolescents and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
folks are present in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
percentage.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, no one is there to elaborate and grasp them about their rituals.
Moreover
, if the middle-aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not secure a job, then they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
towards the evil side and commit a crime, which become a critical condition for any nation.

Nevertheless
, the senior citizen of a society are not healthy, they suffer from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
diseases and a huge proportion of
Possible spelling mistake found.
GDPA
outlay for them.
On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
range from the age 19-35 are proactive, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
muscular and
actively
boost the economy of any country.
For example
, a survey conducted by the statistics department, which highlighted that multinational firms have interests in a youth,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know that, they have a potential, which they require.
Furthermore
, they
also
earn an
Possible spelling mistake. 'honour' is British English.
honour
for their countries by participating in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, which gave a fame to their nations all over the world.

To conclude
, both of the persons have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
importance. If the middle-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
runs the economy and development of a state, then the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
mankind
also
have a huge knowledge of their norms
as well
as a science, which play an indispensable role.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that its benefits outweigh its drawbacks.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 20

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
348 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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