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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.19

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 19
Today, there is a paradigm shift in some countries worldwide from an ageing population to a younger population. This is mainly due to the increased health problems in older people. I can identify two main benefits and two drawbacks related to this situation, which I will discuss now. On the one hand, a larger number of young individuals compared to older people could be beneficial to the economy. Indeed, with fewer elderly people around, the amount of money spent on old-age pensions and other government expenditures is less than before, and needless to say, the money could be invested in addressing other issues which require government fundings. For example, the ageing population consumes more health care resources than non-elderly individuals given that they are more likely to have chronic illnesses. Furthermore, the younger generations are usually more energetic and filled with more ideas for the future. Given the opportunity to access higher quality training, these young adults have the required health, time and education to be the driving force of their country. On the other hand, the fact that there are many more youngsters than elders in a particular country could pose a problem. Nowadays, there are many vices in the society. While the elders are considered the pivot to maintaining a balanced environment as regards to the behaviour and attitude of the young population, with a decrease in their number, a disbalance prevails. To illustrate this, an increasing number of young adults are taking drugs and resorting to thefts and aggressive behaviours. Moreover, undoubtedly, the older generation is more experienced and people will tend to trust their judgements more compared to the youngsters, especially in relation to job positions. For instance, the doctor aged 56 years old will be preferred over the newly formed doctor. Hence, with only young employers around, people might have some difficulties adjusting and trusting them. In conclusion, it can be seen that the advantages are more significant than the disadvantages in terms of an improved economy and a better future for the country. However. And.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, there is a paradigm shift in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries worldwide from an
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
to a younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. This is
mainly
due to the increased health problems in older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I can identify two main benefits and two drawbacks related to this situation, which I will discuss
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

On the one hand, a larger number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals compared to older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could be beneficial to the economy.
Indeed
, with fewer elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around, the amount of money spent on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-age pensions and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
expenditures is less than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, and needless to say, the money could
be invested
in addressing other issues which require
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
Possible spelling mistake found.
fundings
.
For example
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
consumes more health care resources than non-elderly individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that they are more likely to have chronic illnesses.
Furthermore
, the younger generations are
usually
more energetic and filled with more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
for the future.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
the opportunity to access higher quality training, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults have the required health, time and education to be the driving force of their country.

On the other hand
, the fact that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more youngsters than elders in a particular country could pose a problem. Nowadays, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
vices in the society. While the elders
are considered
the pivot to maintaining a balanced environment as regards to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and attitude of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
, with a decrease in their number, a
Possible spelling mistake found.
disbalance
prevails. To illustrate this, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults are taking drugs and resorting to thefts and aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.
Moreover
,
undoubtedly
, the older generation is more experienced and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will tend to trust their judgements more compared to the youngsters,
especially
in relation to job positions.
For instance
, the doctor aged 56 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
will
be preferred
over the
newly
formed doctor.
Hence
, with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
employers around,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties adjusting and trusting them.

In conclusion
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the advantages are more significant than the disadvantages in terms of an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
economy and a better future for the country.
However
. And.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 19

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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