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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.14

Nowadays, some countries are experiencing a strange trend, wherein the population of a country consists majorly of younger generation as compared to the older people. Certainly, there are more benefits of this scenario than its drawbacks. First of all, the biggest advantage of having a population of young adults is the manpower which it will incur. This will definitely aid in a country's overall development as the number of working population is in abundance, which will in turn provide new ideas for different areas and businesses. Secondly, these businesses will create further job opportunities for the skillful public of the country. There is a much larger scope of development in the field of science, politics and entrepreneurship under the command of the young generation in comparison with the older people. To illustrate further, China is a perfect example for this situation, as its is going through a similar phase. It has developed in terms of new businesses, entrepreneurship and is constantly growing since. Moreover, young people bring a new wave in work culture, a huge amount of enthusiasm and a great variety of ideas to ensure appropriate growth and development in the concerned field. In contrast, there are certain disadvantages to this situation, as older people posses a lot of experience which the younger generation lacks. This experience affect the decision making skills as well, which will then have repercussions to the country's development. On the other hand, a country has to spend more on medical expenses of these elder people rather than investing in education or businesses, which will be fruitful for the upcoming generation. To conclude, it is advantageous for a country to have young population in a greater amount to the elder ones, since it will be beneficial for a country's overall development.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are experiencing a strange trend, wherein the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
consists
majorly
of younger generation as compared to the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Certainly
, there are more benefits of this scenario than its drawbacks.
Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, the biggest advantage of having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults is the manpower which it will incur. This will definitely aid in a country's
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
as the number of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is in abundance, which will in turn provide new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
.
Secondly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
will create
further
job opportunities for the skillful public of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. There is a much larger scope of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
in the field of science, politics and entrepreneurship under the command of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation
in comparison
with the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To illustrate
further
, China is a perfect example for this situation, as its is going through a similar phase. It has developed in terms of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
, entrepreneurship and is
constantly
growing since.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
bring a new wave in work culture, a huge amount of enthusiasm and a great variety of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to ensure appropriate growth and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
in the concerned field.
In contrast
, there are certain disadvantages to this situation, as older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
posses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
experience which the younger generation lacks. This experience
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: “affects”.
affect
the
This word is normally spelled with a hyphen.
decision making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
, which will then have repercussions to the country's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
On the other hand
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
spend more on medical expenses of these elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rather
than investing in education or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
, which will be fruitful for the upcoming generation.
To conclude
, it is advantageous for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
in a greater amount to the elder ones, since it will be beneficial for a country's
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
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Roger Bacon

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
296 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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