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At the present time, the population of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared to the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweighs the disadvantages? v.2

At the present time, the population of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared to the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweighs the disadvantages? v. 2
The Youth population is irrefutably one of the most important asset of a nation. Certain countries have a huge number of the younger population than the older people. In my opinion, having more youngsters can contribute to our society because of their energy and skill, therefore the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages of having more youngsters in the country. Employers, in the recent days seek for young people because of the talent and the stamina that they possess. In other words, it can be beneficial for the company, if they hire youngsters. Thereby, they can get successful outcomes and it helps them in ameliorating their business. To illustrate this, a survey conducted by the "Times new" magazine shows that 80% of the companies in Bangalore want to hire youngsters because of their efficiency. One more point worth considering is that they are extremely innovative and docile. Consequently, it can help them in contributing to make our lives better. Older people can have plenty of experience when it comes to a job. Despite the experience, they do not have the energy to complete a task in a limited period of time. As most of the companies are in the rat race, they cannot afford more time for the experienced person's result. Therefore, it is evident that young people have the skill, but lack experience which is needed to be attained in their life. For instance, the famous entrepreneur, Walton mentions that he failed multiple times as a youngster, but when he was 60, he achieved his goal and he claims that experience is what made him who he is now. In conclusion, certain tasks in life can be achieved even without experience, therefore, from my perspective, more youngsters in a country can be advantageous because of the hot skill and the physical strength they have.
The Youth population is
irrefutably
one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
asset of a nation. Certain countries have a huge number of the younger population than the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In my opinion, having more youngsters can contribute to our society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their energy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
,
therefore
the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages of having more youngsters in the country.

Employers, in the recent days seek for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the talent and the stamina that they possess.
In other words
, it can be beneficial for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, if they hire youngsters. Thereby, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
successful outcomes and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them in ameliorating their business. To illustrate this, a survey conducted by the
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Times new
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
magazine
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that 80% of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in Bangalore want to hire youngsters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their efficiency. One more point worth considering is that they are
extremely
innovative and docile.
Consequently
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in contributing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
better.

Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to a job. Despite the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, they do not have the energy to complete a task in a limited period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. As most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are in the rat race, they cannot afford more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for the experienced person's result.
Therefore
, it is evident that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
lack
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
which
is needed
to
be attained
in their life.
For instance
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
entrepreneur, Walton mentions that he failed multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youngster
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when he was 60, he achieved his
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
goal and
he claims that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is what made him who he is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

In conclusion
, certain tasks in life can
be achieved
even without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
,
therefore
, from my perspective, more youngsters in a country can be advantageous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the hot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and the physical strength they have.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared to the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweighs the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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