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One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.12

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 12
Nowadays, the scientists are discovering new ways in order to handle different type of illness. The improvement of solutions in medical care allow people to live more years and better than before. This essay will explain why the benefit of this evolution outweigh the cons of it. First of all, thanks to the new technology and to the evolution of medical care, the figure of the family is consolidated. This phenomenon occurs because, while before usually relatives died when the children were young, now parents and sometimes even grandmother and grandfather can take care of the family. For this reason, Children are growing in a quiet and peaceful environment and this will decrease the possibility of mental diseases. Moreover, another important factor is that older people can contribute thanks to their experience to the community. In my view, it is really important to have one person such us an older neighbour which is always disponible to help you with his suggestion. On the contrary, many people argue that the economic crisis is due to the increasing of duration of life. In the last decade the population over 65 have increased almost 10%. For this reason, the government has huge debt because it must provide every year more money for the pensions. But there is another reason why they believe that there are more disadvantages, the environmental resources are decreasing and they will be not enough to fulfil needs of the global population. In conclusion, I believe that the evolution of medical care has brought a lot of positive consequences and that it is still possible to find new solutions in order to eliminate or at least decreased the negative effects.
Nowadays, the scientists are discovering new ways in order to handle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
type of illness. The improvement of solutions in medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more years and better than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why the benefit of this evolution outweigh the cons of it.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, thanks to the new technology and to the evolution of medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
, the figure of the family
is consolidated
. This phenomenon occurs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
usually
relatives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
when the children were young,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
parents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
even grandmother and grandfather can take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the family.
For this reason
, Children are growing in a quiet and peaceful environment and this will decrease the possibility of mental diseases.
Moreover
, another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor is that older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can contribute thanks to their experience to the community. In my view, it is
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to have one person such us an older
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbour' is British English.
neighbour
which is always
Possible spelling mistake found.
disponible
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you with his suggestion.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that the economic crisis is due to the increasing of duration of life. In the last decade the population over 65 have increased almost 10%.
For this reason
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has huge debt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
provide every year more money for the pensions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there is another reason why they believe that there are more disadvantages, the environmental resources are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
decreasing and
they will be not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to fulfil needs of the global population.

In conclusion
, I believe that the evolution of medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
has brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
consequences and that it is
still
possible to find new solutions in order to eliminate or at least decreased the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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