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At the present time, the population of some countries include a relative large number of young adults, compared with the number of older peopleDo the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

At the present time, the population of some countries include a relative large number of young adults, compared with the number of older peopleDo the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Today, in some countries the number of young people is significantly higher than that of elder people. From my point of view, this situation causes more drawbacks than benefits to those countries. One of advantages is increasing the population. In some countries, the goverment may support the family have more children because that can rise the population. Singapore, for instance, has been improving its education recent years as they have a lot of young generation. As well as this, they can develop the comprehensive systems including the qualified teachers and the good environment. One of disadvantages is the place for study. If the young population keep increasing, the school will not be enough for the study. As a result, the government have to spent a substantial budget for constructing more new schools. Also, when they have the new schools, the number of teachers might not adapt to educate them. Consequently, the universities have to enroll more students following teaching eduacation. Another disadvantage is the quality of education. If a classroom has many pupils, the teacher can not take care thoughtful for all of them. For example, when they have a emergency problem, they need some help from their teachers. Furthermore, when they grow up, they can encounter with the unemployment because the company can not receive everybody to get a job In conclusion, some countries having the young population more than the elder population that brings advantages and causes disadvantages. This problem need to be solved by the state.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is
significantly
higher than that of elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. From my point of view, this situation causes more drawbacks than benefits to those countries.

One of advantages is increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
goverment
may support the family have more children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that can rise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. Singapore,
for instance
, has been improving its education recent years as they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation.
As well
as this, they can develop the comprehensive systems including the qualified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
environment.

One of disadvantages is the place for study. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
increasing, the school will not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for the study.
As a result
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
have
Did you mean "to spend"?
to spent
a substantial budget for constructing more new schools.
Also
, when they have the new schools, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
might not adapt to educate them.
Consequently
, the universities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
enroll more students following teaching
Possible spelling mistake found.
eduacation
.

Another disadvantage is the quality of education. If a classroom has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pupils, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
can not take care thoughtful for all of them.
For example
, when they have
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
emergency problem, they need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
.
Furthermore
, when they grow up, they can encounter with the unemployment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
can not receive everybody to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries having the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
more than the elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
that brings advantages and causes disadvantages. This problem need to
be solved
by the state.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries include a relative large number of young adults, compared with the number of older peopleDo the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
249 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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