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In many countries, mainly tourists, but not local people, visit museums and historical sites. why does this happen, and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places? v.2

In many countries, mainly tourists, but not local people, visit museums and historical sites. why does this happen, and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places? v. 2
There is no doubt that these days health education is being an important need in various societies, however, the question: Are governments spending enough on health awareness among citizens? Is being a controversial issue nowadays. In this essay I am going to examine this phenomenon from both viewpoints, while I tend to believe that public health awareness has to get more attention from governments as what is happening now with Coronavirus. On one side of the argument, there are people who argue that countries are spending on treating illnesses and this is beneficial as long as they can treat diseases and they are willing to produce vaccinations whenever is needed. Furthermore, having highly standard hospitals and health care institutions to handle the biggest number of sick people is better than spending money on advertisements on health preventing from an unknown illnesses. For instance, in 2010 in China there was a spread of a new disease which is SARS, however, it costs the country a lot to handle it. They could do this because of their strong infrastructure in healthcare and hospitals. On the other hand, it is also possible to consider it with the opposing case which is preventing the disease before it spreads and requires a huge budget to put it under control. One good illustration here is what happened in China in 2019. There was a spread of a new illness which is Coronavirus-Covid19. The fast spread was because of the lack of awareness among people. In addition, they were eating bats and lizards and that was one of the main reasons, so if the government put more effort on spreading awareness, they could avoid the millions spent on treating patients. In conclusion, as we have seen there is no easy answer, but I think countries have to take a lesson from what happened in China and be more attention to spread health education and prevention.
There is no doubt that these
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
education is being an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
need in various societies,
however
, the question: Are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
among citizens? Is being a controversial issue nowadays. In this essay I am going to examine this phenomenon from both viewpoints, while I tend to believe that public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more attention from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
as what is happening
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
with Coronavirus.

On one side of the argument, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who argue that countries are spending on treating illnesses and this is beneficial as long as they can treat
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
diseases and
they are willing to produce vaccinations whenever
is needed
.
Furthermore
, having
highly
standard hospitals and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care institutions to handle the biggest number of sick
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is better than spending money on advertisements on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
preventing from an unknown
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "illness"?
illnesses
.
For instance
, in 2010 in China there was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spread
of a new disease which is SARS,
however
, it costs the country a lot to handle it. They could do this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their strong infrastructure in healthcare and hospitals.

On the other hand
, it is
also
possible to consider it with the opposing case which is preventing the disease
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spreads
and requires a huge budget to put it under control. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration here is what happened in China in 2019. There was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spread
of a new illness which is Coronavirus-Covid19. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spread
was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
In addition
, they were eating bats and lizards and that was one of the main reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
put more effort on spreading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
, they could avoid the millions spent on treating patients.

In conclusion
, as we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
there is no easy answer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take a lesson from what happened in China and be more attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spread
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
education and prevention.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay In many countries, mainly tourists, but not local people, visit museums and historical sites. why does this happen, and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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