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As well as making money businesses also have a responsibility towards society To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

As well as making money businesses also have a responsibility towards society v. 1
There is a view that companies are responsible for society as well as pursuing their profit. I totally agree with this opinion for the following reasons. The main reason why I agree with the view that businesses have a responsibility to society is that they can affect people’s behavior significantly. Their products can change people’s life and may endanger an individual’s life. In recent years, looking at and manipulating smartphones while driving has been a serious problem, leading to the increase in the number of fatal traffic accidents. It is also possible to say that companies can have a considerable impact on people’s appearance. The advertisement can create an ideal image of appearance and the fashion trend. Many individuals imitate the image, which make people wear similar cloths and look similar to others. The second reason is that businesses also have an enormous effect on people’s health. New drugs and medical devices has been developed and contributing to the improvement of human health. For example, new molecular targeting drugs has improved terminal cancer patients’ life expectancy dramatically. However, companies sometimes make a decision which may affect society negatively. Many pharmaceutical companies do not develop unprofitable drugs. One good illustration is the development of drugs against Ebola virus. This virus is extremely lethal, but companies are unwilling to develop medications for the disease because of the small number of patients, which does not bring about a profit for the companies. In conclusion, I agree with the statement that companies have social responsibility because they can have a significant influence on people’s behavior and health.
There is a view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are responsible for society
as well
as pursuing their profit. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion for the following reasons.

The main reason why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the view that businesses have a responsibility to society is that they can affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
behavior
significantly
. Their products can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life and may endanger an individual’s life. In recent years, looking at and manipulating smartphones while driving has been a serious problem, leading to the increase in the number of fatal traffic accidents. It is
also
possible to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
can have a considerable impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
appearance. The advertisement can create an ideal image of appearance and the fashion trend.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
individuals imitate the image, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wear similar cloths and look similar to others.

The second reason is that businesses
also
have an enormous effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health. New
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
and medical devices has
been developed
and contributing to the improvement of human health.
For example
, new molecular targeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
terminal cancer patients’ life expectancy
dramatically
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a decision which may affect society
negatively
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
pharmaceutical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
do not develop unprofitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration is the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
against Ebola virus. This virus is
extremely
lethal,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are unwilling to develop medications for the disease
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
number of patients, which does not bring about a profit for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
have social responsibility
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can have a significant influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
behavior and health.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay As well as making money businesses also have a responsibility towards society v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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