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As the process of urbanization, there are more and more skyscrapers built up to facilitate the increasing need for space and accommodation. Do you think this is a positive or a negative trend? v.1

As the process of urbanization, there are more and more skyscrapers built up to facilitate the increasing need for space and accommodation. Do you think this is a positive or a negative trend? v. 1
Although, some believe that longer journey hours to work or school can be beneficial, other people consider that it can be detrimental. In my opinion, I think that people ought not to spend longer time during their commute, as it can decrease productivity and increase stress. On the one hand, long hours of commuting means that they can enjoy the scenery during the trip, but I disagree. This is due to the fact that they have to drive or ride public transportations and passes through great views on the way to work or school. In Tokyo, for example, many people often opt to travel long hours to work in order to see the Mount Fuji along the way. Hence, long commute can benefit them through the beautiful scenery on their journey. On the other hand, longer travel time can lower their productivity and can affect the mental health in the long run. This is because of the extensive time consumed during the trip, which prevents them from doing their work or school activities. Additionally, this can lead to stress and depression, since their mind and body have less time to rest. For instance, researchers discovered that people who work in the city but live in rural areas are likely to do overtime work in order to avoid peak hours, since it can be extremely crowded and stressful. If society decided to have lesser travel time, then they will be able to enjoy their free time to do work or to relax. In conclusion, although some people may have vary opinions, I think that people ought to commute shorter hours in order to improve their mental well-being and productivity.
Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that longer journey
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or school can be beneficial, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider that it can be detrimental. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ought not to spend longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
during their commute, as it can decrease productivity and increase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of commuting means that they can enjoy the scenery during the trip,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I disagree.
This is due to the fact that
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
drive or ride public transportations and passes through great views on the way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or school. In Tokyo,
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
opt to travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the Mount Fuji along the way.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
commute can benefit them through the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
scenery on their journey.

On the other hand
, longer travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can lower their productivity and can affect the mental health in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
run. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the extensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
consumed during the trip, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
them from doing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or school activities.
Additionally
, this can lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and depression, since their mind and body have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to rest.
For instance
, researchers discovered that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the city
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in rural areas are likely to do overtime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in order to avoid peak
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, since it can be
The extreme adjective for crowded is "packed".
extremely crowded
and stressful. If society decided to have lesser travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, then they will be able to enjoy their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or to relax.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may have
Use past participle here: "varied".
vary
opinions, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ought to commute shorter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their mental well-being and productivity.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay As the process of urbanization, there are more and more skyscrapers built up to facilitate the increasing need for space and accommodation. Do you think this is a positive or a negative trend? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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