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You need a new accommodation. Write a letter to the manager who you rent your flat from and explain: - Why your family need a new accommodation- When you want to move- How you would like your new accommodation v.1

You need a new accommodation. Write a letter to the manager who you rent your flat from and explain: - Why your family need a new accommodation- When you want to move- How you would like your new accommodation v. 1
These days, the level of vices has increased substantially. In this essay, I will discuss some of the causes of this problem and also suggest some solutions on how to tackle it. Firstly, one of the main causes of crime is unemployment. When people are unemployed, they tend to engage in unlawful acts in order to earn a living. To illustrate, a person who has no job, will most likely be involved in stealing and armed robbery for survival. To solve this problem, the government should embark on a massive job creation. People who are engaged meaningfully are less likely to commit an offence. To demonstrate, recent survey by the Delta State Bureau of Statistics found that 80% of respondants admitted to have committed an offence at least once when they jobless than when they were not. Notwithstanding, if the rate of crimes is still rising despite the availability of jobs, then unemployment is not a cause of this problem. Secondly, another cause of rising criminal activities is laziness. Some people are not interested in doing legal jobs, but they would want to rely illegal ways of getting quick money such as drug trafficking. For instance, The Times recently reported that 26% of people who are idle would prefer to acquire wealth through unlawful and quick means. To tackle this issue, the government should set up a nationwide awareness campaign, sensitizing the public on the importance of doing lawful businesses. Also, that people involving in businesses that are against the law, might be prosecuted and if found guilty, will be sent to prison. In conclusion, although a variety of problems are responsible for the rise in criminal activities, these problems are not insurmountable. In my view, it is government’s responsibilities to deal with these challenges, and they should begin by considering some of the solutions proposed above.
These days, the level of vices has increased
substantially
. In this essay, I will discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and
also
suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions on how to tackle it.

Firstly
, one of the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
of crime is unemployment. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unemployed
, they tend to engage in unlawful acts in order to earn a living. To illustrate, a person who has no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, will most likely
be involved
in stealing and armed robbery for survival. To solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should embark on a massive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
creation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who
are engaged
meaningfully
are less likely to commit an
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
. To demonstrate, recent survey by the Delta State Bureau of Statistics found that 80% of
Possible spelling mistake found.
respondants
The verb 'admitted' is used with the gerund form: "admitted having".
admitted to have
committed an
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
at least once when they
Use "(jobless)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
jobless
than when they were not. Notwithstanding, if the rate of crimes is
still
rising despite the availability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, then unemployment is not a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
of this problem.

Secondly
, another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
of rising criminal activities is laziness.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not interested in doing legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they would want to
The verb 'to rely' requires the preposition '(up)on': "rely on".
rely
illegal ways of getting quick money such as drug trafficking.
For instance
, The Times recently reported that 26% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are idle would prefer to acquire wealth through unlawful and quick means. To tackle this issue, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should set up a nationwide awareness campaign, sensitizing the public on the importance of doing lawful businesses.
Also
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
involving in businesses that are against the law, might
be prosecuted
and if found guilty, will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to prison.

In conclusion
, although a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are responsible for the rise in criminal activities, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are not insurmountable. In my view, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s responsibilities to deal with these challenges, and they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
by considering
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
solutions proposed above.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay You need a new accommodation. Write a letter to the manager who you rent your flat from and explain: - Why your family need a new accommodation- When you want to move- How you would like your new accommodation v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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