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As countries have developed there has been a trend towards smaller family sizes. Why does this happen? How does this affect society? v.9

As countries have developed there has been a trend towards smaller family sizes. Why does this happen? How does this affect society? v. 9
This statement may partly not to be true for all of the families. It is possible family trend to have more than three children even though he or she live in a developed country at present, but overall majority of parents prefer to have one or two children in order to have a happy living. Thanks to development of countries, people find out that having a few children is equivalent to better life and less hardship. Therefore, whatever level of public' s knowledge increase subsequently their lifestyle will improve as well. Other factors are precisely examined below. First of all, to develop country, It is essential that everyone should work whether man or woman. By working women out of home, they have not enough time for baby-sitting and actions like that; therefore, they will be willing to give a less birth. This reality makes that families proceed towards to get smaller in terms of size. Indeed, having more children means that devoting more time to grow up children and decreasing country' s workforce. Then, in my estimate, this can be the most reasonable reason for topic. Another point that I should point out here is that, by developing countries, which television and mass media are examples of development, public face with a torrent of instructive programs that broadcast on TV every day. These programs encourage parents to have less child because of having pleasurable life. Strategy of these programs is that either concentrate on drawbacks of having more children or focus on women' s health. Thus, the advent of media and other communication tools highly affect parents to have less child. Lastly, the latter one is people' s tendency to hold higher education. It can be one of the undeniable influences of developed communities. Having degrees of high education will automatically change people' s attitude with respect to both their professional life and private one. High education is equal to increasing level of parents' culture and knowledge. As a result of this evolution, society goes toward smaller family size. On the whole, factors such as getting added women as a community' s active workforce, advent of television and mass media, and willingness to have high education makes that, in the current society, therefore, families attract toward fewer children.
This statement may partly not to be true for
Consider using "all the".
all of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. It is possible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
trend to have more than three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
even though
he or she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
at present,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
overall
majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
prefer to have one or two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to have a happy living. Thanks to development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
find out that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is equivalent to better life and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
hardship.
Therefore
, whatever level of
Possible spelling mistake found.
public&
#039; s knowledge increase
subsequently
their lifestyle will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
as well
. Other factors are
precisely
examined below.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, It is essential that everyone should work whether
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
or woman. By working women out of home, they have not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for baby-sitting and actions like that;
therefore
, they will be willing to give a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
birth. This reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
proceed towards to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
smaller in terms of size.
Indeed
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
means that devoting more time to grow up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and decreasing
Possible spelling mistake found.
country&
#039; s workforce. Then, in my estimate, this can be the most reasonable reason for topic.

Another point that I should point out here is that, by developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, which television and mass media are examples of development, public face with a torrent of instructive programs that broadcast on TV every day. These programs encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
child
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
pleasurable life. Strategy of these programs is that either concentrate on drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or focus on
Possible spelling mistake found.
women&
#039; s health.
Thus
, the advent of media and other communication tools
highly
affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
child.

Lastly
, the latter one is
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s tendency to hold higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. It can be one of the undeniable influences of developed communities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Having
degrees of high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will
automatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s attitude with respect to both their professional life and private one. High
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is equal to increasing level of
Possible spelling mistake found.
parents&
#039; culture and knowledge.
As a result
of this evolution, society goes toward smaller
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
size.

On the whole
, factors such as getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
women as a
Possible spelling mistake found.
community&
#039; s active workforce, advent of television and mass media, and willingness to have high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
that, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
society,
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
attract toward fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay As countries have developed there has been a trend towards smaller family sizes. Why does this happen? How does this affect society? v. 9

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
378 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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