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As compared to the past, children these days spend more of their leisure time indoors with computers and TV and less time outdoors. Describe some of the problems this lack of outdoor leisure time can cause and suggest at least one possible solution. v.3

As compared to the past, children these days spend more of their leisure time indoors with computers and TV and less time outdoors. Describe some of the problems this lack of outdoor leisure time can cause and suggest at least one possible solution. v. 3
Children have been reluctant to participate in outdoor sporting activities since the introduction of computer games. This situation brings many problems not only physical, but psychological related can be seen, nowadays. However, this can be effectively handled by adopting certain strategies. First of all, it is an indisputable fact that, when a child sits in his home for a long time in front of digital gadgets, definitely resulting some health issues: headache, eye sight problem and poor body posture. Apart from this, since he lives in isolation, he finds extremely difficult to communicate with people, both family and friends, around him. By contrast, if the child goes and plays with children of his age in the society, would boost his both physical and social skills such as communication, socialization, and well body built. Having participated outdoor activities, children feel much confident about themselves as well as learn many socially accepted behaviours. However, this problem can be promptly solved by adopting certain strategies. One obvious one could be encouraging school going children to participate extra curricular activities which involve a lot of physical activities. Choosing any sports, for instance, either football or crickets, and devoting an equal amount of time on a regular basis may improve their strength and stamina of the body. Additionally, they might learn many values such cooperation, teamwork and facing challenges in real life and how to handle it wisely. Other initiate is required to implement is that including significance of outdoor games in school curriculum to educate younger generations regarding how important this in their life. By way of conclusion, even though many children are addicted to video games and online chatting instead of face to face communication or real games, by educating the needs of outside world exposure proportionately reduce this issue.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
have been reluctant to participate in outdoor sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
since the introduction of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. This situation brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physical,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
psychological related can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, nowadays.
However
, this can be
effectively
handled by adopting certain strategies.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is an indisputable fact that, when a child sits in his home for a long time in front of digital gadgets, definitely resulting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
health issues: headache,
This word is usually spelt together: "eyesight".
eye sight
problem and poor body posture. Apart from this, since he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in isolation, he finds
extremely
difficult to communicate with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, both family and friends, around him. By contrast, if the child goes and plays with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of his age in the society, would boost his both physical and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as communication, socialization, and well body built. Having participated outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
feel much confident about themselves
as well
as learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
socially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.

However
, this problem can be
promptly
solved by adopting certain strategies. One obvious one could be encouraging school going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate
This word is normally spelled as one.
extra curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which involve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. Choosing any sports,
for instance
, either football or crickets, and devoting an equal amount of time on a regular basis may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their strength and stamina of the body.
Additionally
, they might learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
values such cooperation, teamwork and facing challenges in real life and how to handle it
wisely
. Other initiate
is required
to implement is that including significance of outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in school curriculum to educate younger generations regarding how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
this in their life.

By way of conclusion,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are addicted
to video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and online chatting
instead
of face to face communication or real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, by educating the needs of outside world exposure
proportionately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this issue.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay As compared to the past, children these days spend more of their leisure time indoors with computers and TV and less time outdoors. Describe some of the problems this lack of outdoor leisure time can cause and suggest at least one possible solution. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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