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When compared to the past, children these days spend more of their leisure time indoors with computers and TV and less time outdoors. Describe some of the problems this lack of outdoor leisure time can cause and suggest at least one possible solution. v.2

When compared to the past, children these days spend more of their leisure time indoors with computers and TV and less time outdoors. Describe some of the problems this lack of outdoor leisure time can cause and suggest at least one possible solution. v. 2
Latest technology breakthrough and plummet prices allow close to every single household to equip with a television and computer. It is noticeable high proportion of adolescences select to stay indoors comparative to the past, the drawbacks of such should not be neglected. Obesity is one major negative impact to the lifestyle of current children in modern developed countries. Combination of their consumption of unhealthy fast food with staying indoors to play computer games or watching television, lead to imbalance of intake and energy output and causing obesity. A general lack of exercise prevents the physical and mental development of children. Being fat, not only has health impact such as aspiratory sickness and degraded heart condition, but together impacting mental health especially with self-doubting around peers, indirectly increasing pressure. A more frequent reporting of juveniles falls unconscious during the night and lead to serious health issues have been related to obsessive with computer games. Moreover, watching television is a passive activity, there are no engagement of critical thinking and communication, imperilling the cognitive, physical and mental development. There are different ways to enforce younger generations to attend extra curriculum outdoor activities. First, mandatory physical education lesson of twice per week at school would help improve health. Secondly, education system could impose a point system on volunteer activities, a higher score could have a chance on school fee subsidy, this could encourage children to engage with the society, understanding others and self awareness. Encouraging and guidance from parents to younger generation to live a healthy life is essential in reducing the negative impact of pre-occupied in stationary activities.
A determiner is probably missing here: "the Latest".
Latest
technology breakthrough and plummet prices
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
close to every single household to equip with a television and computer. It is noticeable high proportion of adolescences select to stay indoors comparative to the past, the drawbacks of such should not
be neglected
.

Obesity is one major
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact to the lifestyle of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
children in modern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
. Combination of their consumption of unhealthy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food with staying indoors to play computer games or watching television, lead to imbalance of intake and energy output and causing obesity. A general lack of exercise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
the physical and mental development of children. Being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
impact such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
aspiratory
sickness and degraded heart condition,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
together impacting mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
especially
with self-doubting around peers,
indirectly
increasing pressure.

A more frequent reporting of juveniles falls unconscious during the night and lead to serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues have
been related
to obsessive with computer games.
Moreover
, watching television is a passive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, there are no engagement of critical thinking and communication,
Possible spelling mistake found.
imperilling
the cognitive, physical and mental development.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways to enforce younger generations to attend extra curriculum outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
First
, mandatory physical education lesson of twice per week at school would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Secondly
, education system could impose a point system on volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, a higher score could have a chance on school fee subsidy, this could encourage children to engage with the society, understanding others and self awareness.

Encouraging and guidance from parents to younger generation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy life is essential in reducing the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact of
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-occupied
in stationary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay When compared to the past, children these days spend more of their leisure time indoors with computers and TV and less time outdoors. Describe some of the problems this lack of outdoor leisure time can cause and suggest at least one possible solution. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
266 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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