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As children become adults, their social behavior changes in some ways. What are the main differences between young children’s social behavior and that of adults. To what extend are the changes that took place good? v.1

As children become adults, their social behavior changes in some ways. What are the main differences between young children’s social behavior and that of adults. v. 1
Although some people do not accept that we change as we grow, it is natural to have some changes in our social manners. I think there are some differences between young children`s and elderly people`s social manner. Firstly, young children are more open-minded. They express their thoughts and feelings more clearly than adults. When we get older, we are able to retain our feelings. Some people say that this manner is good, because when people are open-minded, there manners are more honest. Other people believe that this change in manner is good, because it is selfish to express feelings and thoughts openly. I concur with changes in social manner, as sometimes it is wrong to express our feelings openly. Secondly, young children are in a hurry in every case. They can take wrong steps while they are in a hurry. By contrast, adults think about something thousand times, and then move. Finally, in my opinion there are some changes in relationships with people. Young children become more respectful and courteous when they get older. As they become adult, they enter to some organizations like universities, they communicate with some important people who can change their behavior. For instance, they get to socialize with professors. Professors are able to teach young children which manners are useful. Thus, when children become older, their social manner changes for the better. Consequently, I think it is inevitable that everyone`s social manner changes from their childhood into adulthood. Moreover, this changes dependent on social conditions.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not accept that we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
as we grow, it is natural to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
manners. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
differences between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
The character between 'children' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "children’s" (curly apostrophe) or "children's" (straight apostrophe).
children`s
and elderly
The character between 'people' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "people’s" (curly apostrophe) or "people's" (straight apostrophe).
people`s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
manner.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more open-minded. They express their thoughts and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feelings
more
clearly
than adults. When we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older, we are able to retain our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feelings
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manner
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are open-minded, there manners are more honest. Other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manner
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is selfish to express
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feelings
and thoughts
openly
. I concur with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manner
, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to express our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feelings
openly
.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are in a hurry in every case. They can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
steps while they are in a hurry. By contrast, adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about something
Use "a thousand" or use a number before 'thousand'.
thousand
times, and then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
.

Finally
, in my opinion there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
in relationships with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become more respectful and courteous when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older. As they become adult, they enter to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
organizations like universities, they communicate with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
their behavior.
For instance
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to socialize with professors. Professors are able to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which manners are useful.
Thus
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become older, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manner
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
for the better.

Consequently
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is inevitable that
The character between 'everyone' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "everyone’s" (curly apostrophe) or "everyone's" (straight apostrophe).
everyone`s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manner
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
from their childhood into adulthood.
Moreover
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
dependent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
conditions.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay As children become adults, their social behavior changes in some ways. What are the main differences between young children’s social behavior and that of adults. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
250 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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