Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

As child obesity becomes a serious health issue in today’s society, some people feel that TV commercials advertising junk food aimed at kids should not be shown before 9pm. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? v.3

As child obesity becomes a serious health issue in today’s society, some people feel that TV commercials advertising junk food aimed at kids should not be shown before 9pm. with this view? v. 3
Child obesity has been an increasingly worrying issue. A growing number of people believe that TV advertising junk food has real impact on children health. It is their claim that TV commercials publicising fast foods must not be shown before 9pm. I am totally in favour of this idea. I will present my idea with relevant examples. It is clear that children are readily tempted by junk foods advertising in television. They often feel hungry, happy and exciting by the commercials. Moreover, some children even tried to lick the TVs screen. In addition, advertising by celebrities, beautiful colours and clowns voice even make more alluring to them. One third of children, when they reach the end of primary school, they are already obese. So, it is necessary to act quickly in order to prevent children suffering from diabetes, heart disease and cancer. One of the best ways to tackle the issue is to curb the junk foods advertising before 9 pm and to impose taxes on junk foods. Having said that, parents are also responsible for the obesity of their children. Parents are often accused of killing their children with their kindness. The surveys have found shocking levels of negligence and complacency among parents, which is beleived to cause children to eat wrong sorts of foods and sitting around the whole day. Parents generally lack confidence to take their children for out door activities because they feel insecure outside. As a consequence, the children are prone to gain excess weight. So parents should be made aware about the deadly complications of obesity by teachers and governments. All in all, although child obesity is an exploding nightmare, it can be controlled by banning junk foods advertising and by educating the parents.
Child obesity has been an
increasingly
worrying issue. A growing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that TV advertising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
has real impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
health. It is their claim that TV commercials
Possible spelling mistake. 'publicising' is British English.
publicising
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
be shown
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
9pm. I am
totally
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. I will present my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
with relevant examples.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
readily
tempted by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
advertising in television. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
feel hungry, happy and exciting by the commercials.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
even tried to lick the TVs screen.
In addition
, advertising by celebrities,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
and clowns voice even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more alluring to them. One third of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, when they reach the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of primary school, they are already obese.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is necessary to act
quickly
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffering from diabetes, heart disease and cancer. One of the best ways to tackle the issue is to curb the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
advertising
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
9 pm and to impose taxes on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
foods.

Having said that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
also
responsible for the obesity of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
accused of killing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with their kindness. The surveys have found shocking levels of negligence and complacency among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, which is
Possible spelling mistake found.
beleived
to cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
sorts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and sitting around the whole day.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
generally
lack confidence to take their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for out door activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel insecure outside. As a consequence, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are prone to gain excess weight.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
be made
aware about the deadly complications of obesity by teachers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.

All in all, although child obesity is an exploding nightmare, it can
be controlled
by banning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
advertising and by educating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay As child obesity becomes a serious health issue in today’s society, some people feel that TV commercials advertising junk food aimed at kids should not be shown before 9pm. with this view? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts