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As child obesity becomes a serious health issue in today’s society, some people feel that TV commercials advertising junk food aimed at kids should not be shown before 9pm. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? v.2

As child obesity becomes a serious health issue in today’s society, some people feel that TV commercials advertising junk food aimed at kids should not be shown before 9pm. with this view? v. 2
As time goes by, it becomes something common to have both parents working. However people argue about who should take responsibility of their children. While some families think that it is the responsibility of the other family members, other people say that it is better to put them in a nursery school or any other care centre. This essay will discuss both points of view and gives an opinion. There are many different reasons why some parents want to keep their children with other family members during their work time. First of all, it is safer to keep your children with someone you know very well, because you can rely on them without being anxious, thus, you can work comfortably. Moreover, it is more beneficial for the children to grow up between their family members - even if they are not their parents- because that will improve their sense of belonging. On the other hand, some parents believe that it is more efficient to keep their children in a kids' care centre. Firstly, because children can learn many different things there, including how to depend on themselves and how to communicate with others and that will make them stronger in the future. Secondly, family members may not be always able to take care about the children, whereas in the nursery schools, it is their job to grow them up. I think this is true because it is more comfortable for the parents to leave their children in a child care centre while they are working rather than keeping them with a family member who may not be able to take care of them constantly. In conclusion, it is the parent choice to decide where to keep their children during their work time. Although, some people say leaving them with a family member may be safer, other think that the child care centre is more comfortable and it will give the children the confidence to face things in future.
As time goes by, it becomes something common to have both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
working.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue about who should take responsibility of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is the responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that it is better to put them in a nursery school or any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
. This essay will discuss both points of view and gives an opinion.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
during their work time.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is safer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with someone you know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you can rely on them without being anxious,
thus
, you can work
comfortably
.
Moreover
, it is more beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to grow up between their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
even if they are not their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their sense of belonging.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
believe that it is more efficient to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a kids'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things there, including how to depend on themselves and how to communicate with others and that will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them stronger in the future.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
may not be always able to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, whereas in the nursery schools, it is their job to grow them up. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is true
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is more comfortable for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
while they are working
rather
than keeping them with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
who may not be able to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of them
constantly
.

In conclusion
, it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
choice to decide where to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
during their work time. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say leaving them with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
may be safer,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
is more comfortable and it will give the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the confidence to face things
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay As child obesity becomes a serious health issue in today’s society, some people feel that TV commercials advertising junk food aimed at kids should not be shown before 9pm. with this view? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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