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As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.5

As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. v. 5
There is no doubt that modern innovations have changed people's life. More and more people spend less time taking exercise while I believe that it is not certain that this has damaged their health On the one hand, the advancement of science and technology can be extremely negative. These developments could make bad habits and serious diseases. Firstly, people spends a lot of time on using smart phones by the way they could use it night and day. It is a reason that the numbers of people who will be myopia increasing. Secondly, office employees have always worked sitting down and computers can not change that. They have to deal with many serious diseases such as spinal pain or dew disease. Also, they can have to cope with obesity disease. As a result, they ate more fast food in the past. One of the causes of obesity í that many people are out of condition and fail to exercise regularly. On the other hand, Sedentary lifestyle, such as the computer and television could bring to us benefit aspects. First, people could update daily news by healthy channel or another one like that. For example, when a novel virus occurs, people can know information quickly by watching TV to prevent it. Furthermore, the computer supports the people in working such as making all kinds of duty on it. Second, new technologies have led to better medicines, and better ways people schedule our physical activity. E. G people can work out at home like doing yoga and gym on You Tube or the internet. Consequently, people live more and more healthy. In conclusion, personally, it is certainly cannot deny the downside of science technology in healthcare. From my perspective, it is difficult to agree that. On the other hand, the public need to pay attention and make sure that people still take a reasonable amount of exercise.
There is no doubt that modern innovations have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life. More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend less time taking exercise while I believe that it is not certain that this has damaged their health

On the one hand, the advancement of science and technology can be
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
. These developments could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits and serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
spends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time on using smart phones by the way they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it night and day. It is a reason that the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who will be myopia increasing.
Secondly
, office employees have always worked sitting down and computers can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
that. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
such as spinal pain or dew
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
.
Also
, they can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
cope with obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
.
As a result
, they ate more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food in the past. One of the causes of obesity í that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are out of condition and fail to exercise
regularly
.

On the other hand
, Sedentary lifestyle, such as the computer and television could bring to us benefit aspects.
First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could update daily news by healthy channel or another one like that.
For example
, when a novel virus occurs,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can know information
quickly
by watching TV to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
it.
Furthermore
, the computer supports the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in working such as making all kinds of duty on it. Second, new technologies have led to better medicines, and better ways
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
schedule our physical activity. E. G
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can work out at home like doing yoga and gym on
This word is normally spelled as one.
You Tube
or the internet.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more and more healthy.

In conclusion
,
personally
, it is
certainly
cannot deny the downside of science technology in healthcare. From my perspective, it is difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that.
On the other hand
, the public need to pay attention and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
take a reasonable amount of exercise.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. v. 5

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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