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As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.4

As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. v. 4
Technology inventions are rising rapidly. It's all about helping people and makes human life easier than before. Even though the happening on modern electronic inventions have an impact on our lazing exercise, is it's not so certain that this has damaged users' health. For a variety of reasons, it would be wrong to blame for technology devices on our lack of doing physical activity. Our health only based on yourself. I must admit that machine's innovations attractive people strongly, we only interest in it and don't care for taking exercise. However, the way we spend less time doing activities because of our laziness but technology. For example, there are a lot of people on the world called programming developers who must work all day long on the computer and technology devices, but many of them still have a strong physical body by taking care their time for doing exercise. Moreover, we certainly can't deny the benefits of technology in healthcare. Much of the recent progress we've seen in the medical field is due precisely to technological innovation. As a result of modern innovation, a lot of devices already provide us to monitor our health. New technologies have led to better medicines, and better ways we schedule our physical activity. Consequently, people live more and more healthily. In conclusion, from my perspective it is difficult to argue that modern inventions have had a harmful influence on our health. On the other hand, we need to make sure that we still take a highly attention of doing exercises.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
inventions are rising
rapidly
. It's all about helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
human life easier than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Even though
the happening on modern electronic inventions have an impact on our lazing exercise, is it's not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
certain that this has damaged users' health.

For a variety of reasons, it would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to blame for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
devices on our lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
physical activity. Our health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
based on yourself. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
admit that machine's innovations attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
strongly
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
interest in it and don't care for taking exercise.
However
, the way we spend less time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of our laziness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on the world called programming developers who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
work all day long on the computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
devices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them
still
have a strong physical body by taking care their time for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
exercise.

Moreover
, we
certainly
can't deny the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in healthcare. Much of the recent progress we've
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the medical field is due
precisely
to technological innovation.
As a result
of modern innovation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
devices already provide us to monitor our health. New
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
have led to better medicines, and better ways we schedule our physical activity.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more and more
healthily
.

In conclusion
, from my perspective it is difficult to argue that modern inventions have had a harmful influence on our health.
On the other hand
, we need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that we
still
take a
You used an adverb ('highly') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('attention') instead of another adjective.
highly attention
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
exercises.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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