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As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. v. 1
Health is an essential thing that people have to sustain. However in these days, the invention of technology such as the computer and television has been influenced some people, especially in their healthy life. A lack of exercise is a detrimental effect of the innovation. Although the technology is appropriate to ease human activities, I utterly believe that sedentary activity such as watching screen can lead people to suffer obesity. Technology such as computer and television give many benefits for humans. Firstly, people can know the information quickly by watching television since there are many channels that show about daily news either in the national area or in the worldwide. Secondly, the computer supports the inhabitants in working such as making all kind of duty on it. This is due to the fact that most people tend to type in the computer rather than hand-writing. Finally, screen and the computer may become essential equipment that people always used. However, as a matter of fact, many people can suffer obesity since they spend a long time watching the screen and utilizing computer while they also eat lots of diets. It can make people sitting whole day and inadvertently, they can suffer obesity since they forget to practice some exercises to make their body fit. Another disease that can occur is sightless since the layer of screen and the computer can radiate the eyes of viewers. Moreover, the eyes will get tired easily and for a harmful case, it will be blindness for human's eyes. As a result, it is better to reduce the amount of time that is expended in using the screen and the computer. In conclusion, although the latest technology can helpful for human's life in certain activities, I believe that it will get risky for people health such as obesity and blindness. Where possible, health is a vital element of life, so respect it by avoiding using the technology in much time.
Health is an essential thing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sustain.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
in these days, the invention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
such as the computer and television has
been influenced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
in their healthy life. A lack of exercise is a detrimental effect of the innovation. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is appropriate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
human activities, I
utterly
believe that sedentary activity such as watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
can lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to suffer obesity.

Technology such as computer and television give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits for humans.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can know the information
quickly
by watching television since there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
channels that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
about daily news either in the national area or in the worldwide.
Secondly
, the computer supports the inhabitants in working such as making all kind of duty on it.
This is due to the fact that
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to type
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the computer".
in the computer
rather
than hand-writing.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
and the computer may become essential equipment that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.

However
, as a matter of fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can suffer obesity since they spend a long time watching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
and utilizing computer while they
also
eat lots of diets. It can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
sitting whole day and
inadvertently
, they can suffer obesity since they forget to practice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercises to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their body fit. Another disease that can occur is sightless since the layer of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
and the computer can radiate the eyes of viewers.
Moreover
, the eyes will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tired
easily
and for a harmful case, it will be blindness for
Possible typo. Did you mean: "human eyes"?
human's eyes
.
As a result
, it is better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of time that
is expended
in using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
screen
and the computer.

In conclusion
, although the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can helpful for human's life in certain activities, I believe that it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
risky for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
health such as obesity and blindness. Where possible, health is a vital element of life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
respect it by avoiding using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in much time.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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